Sex and intimacy can be nerve-wracking enough when you know what you’re doing, but it’s even scarier when you lack the necessary basic skills, like typing on a keyboard. Here are some tips for how to finger your partner even though you never learned how to properly type on a QWERTY keyboard without just kind of poking at it with your two index fingers.
Try spelling the alphabet with your fingers.
We’ve all heard this classic trick for oral, but turns out it works just as well with fingering! If you don’t have the dexterity to pretend you’re typing inside a vagina, try spelling your ABC’s, and maybe even say them aloud to keep track. Just because you were too busy playing “Balloon Tower Defense II” in computer class to learn how to type doesn’t mean you have to be bad at digital penetration, buddy!
Imagine you’re hand-writing a letter.
Yes, knowing how to type properly is a skill that directly translates to good sex, but who doesn’t love an old-fashioned handwritten note? So get up in there and imagine you’re writing a love letter or filling out paperwork at the DMV. Throw in some cursive to make it extra romantic! Add some flourishes with punctuation! Sure, you got a B- in typing class, but you’ll get an A+ in clitoral stimulation in no time. Who needs to use their fourth finger to hit the “C,” anyways?
Try video game cheat codes.
This one’s a lesson in playing to your strengths. Sure, your computer teacher Mr. Johnson said you’d have to repeat the fourth grade if he gave you the marks he really thought you deserved, but you sure are good at video games! So instead of typing up a storm down there, imagine you’re enacting the Konami cheat code circa 1980: up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A. As far as what “B, A” means in this context, that’s up to you!
Distract them.
If all else fails, distract your partner from the terrible job you’re doing with some prepared phrases, like “Did you hear that? Coming from outside…” or “Do you smell fire?” Fright is a pleasure of its own, they say!
So if you’re scared to finger your partner because you’ve just been winging it on a keyboard since the third grade, don’t let your own insecurities get in your way. As an alternative option—and this is just a suggestion—maybe enroll in an adult typing class? You’re so right. That would be embarrassing.
