How to Embrace Your Imperfections Without Anyone Actually Seeing Them

We all have those imperfections we’ve spent our whole lives wishing we could change. Well guess what? Now’s the time to fully embrace your uniquely beautiful flaws—in ways that you can still be certain that no one will ever see or find out about them.


Own that less-than-perfect voice…where no one can hear it.

So what if your singing is so bad that your family banned you from chiming in on “Happy Birthday” at Nana’s birthday? Girl, you should never be ashamed to sing off-key alone in your apartment, as long as it’s during a hurricane when you’re sure your whole neighborhood has already evacuated. Love the voice you have, and remember to double-tape the windows!


Understand that every body is a bikini body…in the dark.

Who cares that your stomach has stretch marks from carrying nine pound twins and a giant C-section scar? You should absolutely still rock a bikini this summer! As long as it’s in a secluded swimming hole 300 miles from the nearest town, in the middle of the night during a solar eclipse. Embrace that hot mama body! Just keep a towel on hand just in case.



Embrace your body’s natural processes! As long as you hide them completely.

Perhaps you sweat more than the average gal, like the millions of women who suffer from hyperhidrosis. That’s nothing to be ashamed of! Rock that sweat! Just remember to limit yourself to an all-black wardrobe of waterproof fabric and sew maxi pads sewn into the armpits. Embrace that sweet sweat running down your body and remember to refrain from human contact from April until October!


Remember, you’re perfect just the way you are, as long as you go to any length, distance and expense to hide the ways in which you’re not. Go buy yourself a sugar-loaded, high-calorie Frappuccino to celebrate being you, then drink it in a reinforced bomb shelter and burn the receipt. You deserve it!