How to Cum So Hard You Trigger Another Cambrian Explosion and Usher in a Wave of Unprecedented Biodiversity

We all love having sex! Unfortunately, even the best orgasms rarely result in a global surge of biodiversity comparable to that of the Cambrian Explosion, a diversification of modern life that occurred approximately 540 million years ago and created nearly all species that are alive today. If you feel like there’s simply no way you can cum hard enough to change the course of geologic history, don’t worry. Here are four tips for bringing your fuck game to the next level by triggering a major evolutionary event:


Fuck in a highly oxygenated environment.

Scientists have hypothesized that an increase in atmospheric oxygen prior to the Cambrian Explosion may have facilitated the ability of different species to grow and develop. If your cumming isn’t resulting in the desired surge of flora and fauna, check to make sure you’re not getting pounded in an oxygen-starved environment. You may be surprised!


Punch a bird when you cum.

Sure, this one may sound a little sexually adventurous, but hear us out! The Cambrian Explosion is believed to have been partially triggered by an arms race between predators and prey. By bringing the current arms race between humans and birds to the next level during your climax, you could set off more than just the bundle of nerve endings in your sex organs — and instead set off a new wave of evolutionary chaos in which birds can hold guns.


Drink milk before, during, and after cumming.

Some scientists have argued that an increase in the amount of calcium in Cambrian seawater made it possible for a wider variety of organisms to build their skeletons, resulting in increased biodiversity. Do your part to increase the calcium content in your environment by mainlining milk such that any fluids released during your climax can be used by nearby clams or mollusks to generate sexy new skeletons for themselves.



Finally, try fucking in a peat bog or mud pit.

Without fossil evidence of the increased biodiversity caused by your literally Earth-shaking orgasm, future scientists will be unable to pinpoint when and how your “little death” gave rise to an explosion of massive life. Bonus: a picture of your banged-out skeleton might end up in a sexy lil textbook one day!


So there you have it: four tips for cumming so hard that you bring about a new wave of unprecedented biodiversity on Earth. Don’t forget to use protection, or you may just end up creating another human!