So you’ve got a date with a Tinder hottie coming up. What’s the catch? He’s holding up a ten-pound adult rainbow trout in his default picture. Talk about intimidating! How could you possibly compete with that fish? Will he ever love you—or anything, for that matter—as much as he loves the thrill of a fresh catch? Maybe, maybe not. But thanks to us, you may stand a fighting chance against this fish. Here are some tips that will have him reeling you in faster than you can say “tuna tartare”!
Brush up on your trout knowledge.
The first rule of war is to know your enemy, and this trout is no exception. Start with the rainbow trout Wikipedia page and move straight on through to JSTOR articles. It is imperative to know what you’re up against. At first glance, this Tinder trout has a certain je ne sais quoi that seems unbeatable. But once you’ve memorized the mating patterns and anatomy of the rainbow trout, the challenge won’t seem so slippery. You’ve got it, girl!
Get slimier.
Fish are covered in a protective layer of slime, so follow suit and get nasty! Leading up to the date, spend lots of time in lakes and large rivers. Let that sulfurous, inland freshwater scum seep into your pores. Absolutely do not shower. Slather your arms in moisturizer just before the date for that extra trout pizzazz he’s after. When he grabs your waist to go in for that first kiss, you should instantly slip out from his two hands and flop around on the ground. Obviously, this guy will only be satisfied if he can wrangle you into his firm grasp, just as he did that trout. Give him a challenge—we know he’s up for it!
Make the sound of a babbling brook while he’s talking.
Whether flowing or still, this guy certainly loves water. So as he’s talking, make the sound of a babbling brook with your mouth. He may act confused at first, but soon he’ll be lulled into a place of deep peace. Perhaps it’ll remind him of that last fishing trip with his grandfather, or the boys day out he had at the creek. In any case, you’ll babble straight into his heart…and his pants.
Order trout for dinner, then show it who’s boss.
Show everyone who’s boss by eating freshwater fish right in front of your date. It’s a ballsy move, we know! But such tough competition requires an act of valor. Before you eat, look directly at the trout and say, “I am just as good as you, trout; if not better!” Then, eat it. You’ll be surprised how empowered you feel. And trust us, he’ll be impressed. Guys aren’t mind readers, so really spelling it out for him will help him realize you’re a “catch”!
Eat a worm, right in front of his very eyes.
Just one! We’re not asking you to go on a worm cleanse, but slurp down one of these bad boys and you’ll really connect with him on a deeper level.
These are some surefire ways to out-do the fish in your date’s Tinder picture. Don’t let that trout intimidate you! After all, you’re a glowing, radiant, amazing woman, and this trout is still merely a trout, even if it’s a trout he loves. Just remember: The rainbow trout’s scientific name is literally Oncorhynchus mykiss. My kiss?! Now that’s an omen if we’ve ever heard one!
