Cool, so this guy’s dick is the size of your whole body, and if you continue to date him, you will perish. But how can you communicate this info to him without adding to his equally gigantic ego? Society has told him it’s good to have a penis big enough to cause near-instant UTIs in even the most acrobatic of vaginas, so being honest about this might feel like a trap—and it is. Here are a few tips for having this convo so that it doesn’t become the final straw in his supervillain backstory.
Give his penis the finger.
If the dude you’re sleeping with has a dick that might as well be a whole other person, the most important step in the process is depersonalizing the situation. It’s not that his dick is too big; it’s that you and this dick are not on good terms. The next time he takes his penis out, throw your arms up, roll your eyes, and say, “Dude, I hate that fuckin’ guy. Why does he always have to show up here?” Your guy might be confused at first, but when you flip the bird right at his cock, he’ll get that you two just can’t be in the same room together. This way you’re not just another girl saying, “Eep eep, me poosie too tiny!” thus adding making him think he’s Zeus or something.
Tell him your vagina has asthma.
Is “vaginal asthmosis” a thing? No. Do guys with huge dicks ever bother to learn anything about vaginas? Double no. Just tell him that when you guys have sex your lil’ poonie can’t breathe, and he’ll understand. You’re sure to part on good terms without basically pointing at his crotch and shouting, “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superdick!”
Tell him it’s too small.
He’ll be surprised and he might not believe you, but hey, it’s better than letting him pat himself on the back for being physically incapable of vaginal penetration. Maybe you just don’t like having yeast infections; did he ever consider that? Of course not. He’s already accepting a writing position at Vice under the pseudonym “Dick Best”.
Don’t tell him.
What are you, a traitor? The last thing straight men with huge dicks need is a fucking compliment. Just ghost him like a normal person so that he thinks he has bad breath. Honestly, why would you even consider telling him that you “felt like Jim Henson was sticking his arm inside you and using you to teach children about reading”? Bad idea.
There you have it: the only ways to navigate this lose-lose situation. Good luck!