Yay! You’re a lesbian! It’s exciting when it finally makes sense. No, heterosexual women don’t typically daydream about kissing their best gal pal on the lips. So congratulations — you are in fact a homosexual. You’ve worked up the courage to come out to your friends and family and while you know they will all be supportive, this is still a big deal. There are a lot of ways to go about this but the preferred method of lesbians everywhere is, of course, to get a fresh undercut and a shiny new pack of carabiners. Here’s how:
1: Get an Undercut
That first big lesbian hair chop can be scary. You’ve had that Princess Jasmine braid your whole life and it’s become a weird security blanket. Any lesbian that’s been out for a while can tell you that getting a bad first haircut is a lesbian rite of passage. It’s just the way it is. If you’re still too steeped in hetero culture to know, an undercut is when you leave the top of your hair long while shaving up the sides and back. Don’t make the mistake of going to a salon instead of a barber because they will in fact give you a soccer mom cut instead of a dykey-do. You don’t want those wispy sideburns!
2: Get the carabiner.
Ok, so you’ve got your undercut. Now it’s time for the carabiner. Pop by any local hardware store. While you’re there, learn the layout. Now that you’re gay, you’re going to be building a lot of things, or at least your future girlfriend is and you might need to pick something up for her. Locate the carabiner section. I know you wanna buy the big one, but if you go too hard you’re going to look like you’re overcompensating. Get something that’s the perfect size to hold your keys. Just hook it on your belt loop, and enjoy all of the extra gay pocket space that you’ve created. Yes, sis. You’re lookin’ gay! Trim those fingernails and slide into your fresh Doc Martens.
You’re ready to set up that brunch date with your fam. You already know how this is going to go. “Where is the bottom half of Ashley’s hair?” mom will ask nervously. “Who cares, I’m glad she finally found a way to stop losing her keys.” Dad will respond. “Guys. She’s trying to tell us she’s gay.” your brother will prompt. Dad will zoom in with “ Oh that’s neat, Ash. Guess we shouldn’t have ordered you the sausage links…” “This is fine…” your mom will continue while ignoring your dad’s bad joke, “You can always adopt children!”
You did it! You’re gay now! Now get out there and find the right patterned button-down shirt!