There comes a time in every woman’s life where she mistakes the pizza guy for an intruder and murders him while her best friends are in the other room. But if she’s lucky, she’s surrounded by powerful women who could also be implicated and must form a sisterhood in order to save their asses. Should you find yourself in this unfortunate man-murdering situation, here’s how to build strong female friendships now that you’re all a little responsible for killing the pizza guy.
Cry about the murder in front of each other.
A group of girlfriends should be like a sanctuary where no one judges you for getting upset about having taken a man’s life. So let the tears flow! Lean on your gal pals in this trying moment, when no one else could possibly understand why you’re covered in a blood and can’t never, ever go to the police. Crying is powerful, but crying about murder? That’s the power of sisterhood! This will make the bond of your female friendship unbreakable.
Try to talk about your goals more than the guy you murdered.
It’s easy to get caught up in guy chatter, especially when you just killed someone, but try to stop yourself. Make sure you talk about your goals and next steps more than all the reasons this unnamed pizza man was kind of actually at fault for his own accidental death. Ask yourselves where you’re going to hide the body and what lie you’re all going to tell the cops about what happened—those are important questions and ones that will really bring you together rather than divide you. Plus, knowing a lot about this guy could look suspicious so don’t even check his wallet for an ID. That might lead to discussions of whether he’s cute or not and you don’t wanna start thinking about which of you he would’ve liked best. This started out as a man-free girl’s night and goddammit, it’s going to end as one!
Never let the murder come between you.
The number one rule of lady friendships is never let a murder come between you. A lot of female friend groups fall apart when one woman just blindly kills the pizza guy in one of her weird, unchecked panicky moments. And that’s a shame! A dead delivery man from Papa John’s should not equal the loss of a friendship. In fact, it should bring all of you closer than ever before. Make sure you’re not going to the cops by yourself or straying from the story you’ve decided on (he just dropped off the ham pizza and left!) and for the love of God never, ever accept a plea bargain. You’ve got your bad-as-fuck girlfriends and they’re all you need now that you’ve killed someone by accident.
Eat the pizza.
If you haven’t eaten the pizza when the cops inevitably show up, it’ll look supes suspicious. Also, housing a bunch of greasy high-cal food is a great way to let down your hair and just be unguarded as friends while also refueling after an intense grave-digging sesh in the woods behind Shelley’s house.
Some friendships we choose, others we don’t, and when you’ve killed someone, it’s definitely not a choice. Follow this guide to keep your girl group strong now that a murder has brought you together. The terrible secret you’re keeping together will really empower you as a #squad!
