So, you’ve discovered your husband’s secret other family. Ugh! Turns out all those cross-country trips to “make deals and business stuff” were actually spent living a bigamist lifestyle in a house at least 500 sq. ft. larger than yours. You may want to light all his possessions on fire, but that is exactly what he’d expect his “crazy other wife” to do. Instead, take this opportunity to show him how totally chill you are about that second wife, three kids, black Labrador, and three-legged cat ironically named “Dog.” No big!
If there’s one thing men hate, it’s being yelled at. Let him know that you’ve discovered his double life in a way that doesn’t make him uncomfortable. Say things like, “No biggie, but do you maybe have another wife?” Be sure to smile a lot. Tears make men extremely uneasy. If you must cry, pretend it’s because you’re laughing so hard at the idea that uncovering the massive lie that is your life could possibly make you angry.
Offer to meet the other wife.
You are a total girls’ girl and would never let a shared husband get in the way of a potential new BFF. Complement her to show you’re not threatened. For example, say, “I see she’s quite a bit thinner and prettier than I am. Way to go, buddy! BT-dubs, does she have any transmittable sexual diseases?”
Show interest in his children.
Your unfaithful husband will be touched that you want to know more about his forbidden spawn. Ask about their likes and dislikes. For example, “Your oldest son looks like a born athlete. Is he also a pathological liar like his father?” Whatever you do, don’t bring up the fact that he told you he didn’t want kids and that at this point your eggs are only capable of producing a genetic freak show.
Suggest a threesome.
You know what every man wants? To be with two naked women at once! What is chiller than telling him that you’re open to sexual experimentation with the woman who is apparently his legal wife and, therefore, entitled to his life insurance should he mysteriously choke on his own severed penis?
Remember, at the heart of the issue is that you did something wrong to make him stray. So be sure to listen to his needs, whatever they are. It can’t possibly be worse than reentering the dating pool, right? Stay chill!