I’ve always struggled with procrastination, especially when it comes to tasks that aren’t particularly fun. I’d often wait until the day assignments were due to start them, which created an anxiety- and stress-spiral that – while effective – was never fun. I’ve decided it’s time to stop replicating the same unhealthy patterns and take my life into my own hands. Here’s how I stopped putting off the important things and started committing social security fraud right now.
A common misconception about social security fraud is that you have to wait until you’re old enough for social security payments to do it. Turns out, there’s actually no time like the present to start! For years, I’ve wanted to commit this jailable offense, but just kept putting it off and putting it off, assuming I’d feel more qualified or motivated as time went on. I had no clue where to begin, and it was stopping me from trying altogether – a classic procrastination mistake!
There are so many ways to commit social security fraud, as I learned by looking them all up on a non-incognito web browser. I decided to just dive right in and make corrections as I went along, so I hopped on the dark web, got scared, hopped off the dark web, and made up a social security number in my head.
I then called the social security office, gave them this number I had made up, and explained that I would like to reroute any payments associated with it from the original account to a new bank account. This all sounded very cool and real, and to be honest, I was very impressed with myself. Imposter syndrome be damned!
Once the ball was rolling, I just had to confirm my identity with a lady over the phone. I had none of the info she needed, but I found that I could skirt this quite easily by manipulating her into sharing the info on file with me. When she asked for my address, I went, “Right! Of course! My address is…” then waited for her to finish the sentence. This worked once, but on the second attempt, she caught wind of my scheme and connected me to the fraud department. They gave me a stern warning and let me off the hook because, apparently, I was too incompetent to be a danger to anyone. This, of course, hurt my feelings.
At the end of the day, this experience taught me not to wait until tomorrow to do the thing you’re passionate about, and also to not give your full name, address, and phone number to a police officer before they’ve told you what you did wrong.
