In an unexpected stroke of good fortune, 23-year-old Evelyn Marsh returned home on Tuesday to find her kitchen sink teeming with dirty dishes – a welcome sight for anyone looking to gain some extra leverage around the house.
“Communal living is a balancing act,” says Evelyn. “That’s why it is always a blessing when the person you share your home with shamelessly leaves their bowls and plates in a stack so large it extends past the height of the faucet. Such a blatant act of disrespect implicitly grants you the right to get away with some rude shit of your own, and I can’t wait!”
For every yin, there’s yang!
“I’ll probably call some ominous ‘housemate meeting’ and make a big show about how annoyed this makes me,” says Evelyn. “If I’m convincing enough, my housemate Rachel will probably feel so bad she won’t even complain about my boyfriend staying over every night for the rest of the month.”
A closer look at the soaking crockery revealed some especially exciting news.
“The soggy mac n’ cheese noodles and abundance of leftover snow peas pooling in the corners of the sink tells me Rachel was having one of her depression meals,” Evelyn says. “But the fact that she didn’t eat the added peas means she must really be going through it right now. There’s no way she’ll ever confront me about never taking out the garbage after this!”
When asked if she thought she was being a bad person, let alone a bad friend, Evelyn ignored the question completely.
“Fuck it. I might straight up tell Rachel to buy me that new Dyson hair styler,” she says. “Honestly, I bet she would do it, and if she doesn’t wrap it I can turn that into a whole thing too.”
Who couldn’t use an extra “get-out-of-jail-free” card? Or an extra “collect $200” card, for that matter!
In the meantime, Evelyn just tried to savor the moment.
“A pile this large also makes it easy to add some of my own dirty dishes without her noticing!” she says. “I know Rachel will eventually clean all of them up anyway. There’s no shot she’ll think twice about scrubbing a few more bowls.”
