Christmas season has arrived, which means it’s time to gather round the table with your loved ones and enjoy a special holiday meal that will go cold while your mother continues to pray. From traditional sides to more elaborate entrées to be ruined, make your meal the most frustrating yet with these mouthwatering dishes that will go cold before your mother finishes saying grace.
Cold Cornbread Stuffing
What looks more delicious than this classic Christmas appetizer? Nothing, since you’ve been staring at it forever while your mom prays for your uncle Rob to take his prescription meds, for your cousin Rowena to make honor roll, and for you to “finally find a real job.” Though traditionally served warm, expect to eat your cornbread stuffing tepid tonight. Your mom’s prayer shows no signs of ending any time soon!
Room-Temp Brown Butter Mashed Potatoes
Brown butter makes this side difficult to resist as your mom’s prayer enters into its tenth minute—the phase where she starts thanking God for all the blessings he provides. Watch the steam fade away from these creamy, crème fraîche-whipped potatoes while your mom drones on and on about the gift of life. You won’t be alive much longer if she continues. Maybe your cold, shaking hands will be able to spoon a bite of the now clumpy potatoes into your mouth if she stops within the next hour.
Green Bean Casserole (Cold)
A rich sauce of caramelized onions, mushrooms, and parmesan takes you from hoping your mom’s prayer concludes soon, to your own prayers—that it will end soon. And don’t try to skim any cheese off the top. Your mom has a sixth sense for these things and she’ll open her eyes the second you reach your breaking point. Be patient. She’s nearly done praying for every known ailment in the world, from emphysema to male pattern baldness, so you’re in the home stretch now! Hopefully she’ll say amen soon, before these green beans are so dead and gone you might as well bury them in the backyard.
Chilled Apple Cider-Brined Turkey
This stunning turkey took 24 hours of prep, and it may take 24 more to eat since your mom is now fervently praying for deliverance against something she calls “the immoral spirit of Jezebel.” Cry silently at this once-hot bird plummeting below freezing temperatures before your very eyes. Little does your mom know, if being bored during a prayer counts as a sin, then your heart is filled to the brim with them. But at least the turkey will be warm in hell.
Gooey Apple Pie That Got Cold
Forget it. Your mom has started a call-and-response prayer of people just yelling, “Yes, it is so, Lord!” Pack this baby in a Tupperware and put it in the fridge for later tonight, when you can eat it on your own.
Try making these dishes to give your family a Christmas dinner they can remember—and that’s it, since your mom never finished her prayer so no one actually got to eat anything. Happy Holidays!
