Here’s Why I Use My Vacant Uterus as a Halloween Store

Abandoned property can become a public nuisance, and my uterus has been at full vacancy for many years. I’m not sure that I ever want to have children, but after seeing several Spirit Halloween stores move into vacant buildings every October, I just couldn’t stand watching my perfectly good uterus sit around empty, gathering dust. That’s why I decided to use this hollow muscular organ as its own pop-up Halloween store.


As you’re likely already aware, the human uterus can expand a remarkable amount to accommodate a fetus, but you may not have known that it can expand just as much (if not more!) to accommodate a seasonal business. One day I just woke up and thought, “Why not put the miracle of my body to use?” Of course, bringing children into the world, or even opening a year-round store, were both bigger steps than I was ready for, but that’s when I suddenly realized what my body was calling out for: a dark little Halloween shop that opens up in early fall and vanishes November 1st (no returns!).


Once I knew what I had to do, it was just a matter of making it happen, and making it happen was actually easier than I could have imagined. No one really knows who runs pop-up Halloween stores, and now that there’s one inside of my body, I still don’t know. I simply tacked a “for lease” sign onto my uterus, and before I knew it bearded, ponytailed men in rimless glasses and heavily eyeliner-ed women with lip piercings were filling my empty ute with plastic swords, disembodied hands, and costumes made of fabric so impossibly thin you’d think it would float away, but somehow strong enough to be thrown up on — and they’re all $70!



Using my uterus as a Halloween store has come with its share of challenges. The amount of plastic inside of me is what doctors call “inadvisable”, and things can get confusing when there’s a fake blood spill, but all in all, it’s been an incredibly rewarding experience. My body is my own, but it still feels good to provide a service so necessary to a healthily functioning society. So if you’re thinking of opening a holiday-based business up inside of you, I say go for it! Plus, you get 30% off at checkout, which, you know, is still pretty expensive, but yeah.


Happy Halloween (store)!