Talbots Bags to Masturbate Under During ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

Ladies, the time has come! We have been wandering the strip mall waiting to see this movie, longing to feel something this exquisite for years. We’re going to embrace our submissive urges in that three-hour window between dropping the kids off at soccer and dinner with the in-laws, and we’re going to do it right – with our Talbots bag in tow. Here are our favorite Talbots bags to place on your lap as you stroke your inner goddess:


Striped Zip-Top Tote

striped tote

This tote is big enough to serve as a diaper bag, so you can fit all your basic needs for doing the deed. Anastasia loved that baby oil on her ass, so why shouldn’t you pour some down your shapewear? When you’re beating the beaver to Christian Grey, those hand wipes aren’t going to be the only Wet Ones!


Leopard Print Haircalf Top-Flap Shoulder Bag


Close the flap of this bag, and open your own! Wearing leopard print has been the most rebellious thing you have done since the time you and your husband pretended to be asleep so Susie would just go back to her room to cry – until now, that is! You’ll be slamming that clam just a theater away from your son and his friends seeing The SpongeBob Movie. Christian Grey would approve!



Straw Tote Bag

Straw tote

This isn’t your daughter’s masturbation handbag! This bag is big enough to conceal the masturbatory activities of even the heftiest among us. The neutral beige tone will also match any pashmina you choose to wrap around your head in case anyone you know is in the theater.


Printed Double-Handle Tote

 printed double handed

Nothing says wild woman like a fun print! And if anyone in the theater starts to suspect you’re flicking the bean under that popcorn, your movements will by camouflaged by this graphic pattern. Just let go and let yourself be dominated – by yourself!


Trust me, ladies: This experience will be as rewarding as the first time you picked up the book at the airport, and read it on a flight that was shaking with turbulence.