Valentines Day is coming up, and you want to give your guy a gift that expresses your love but doesn’t make you look like some basic ass bitch. It’s got to be above and beyond, something that will blow his mind, something that no normal girl would give. You want to give him a present so shocking that he’ll be all like “fuck” when he opens it. A gift like that can be hard to come up with, but we’re here to help. With one of the gifts below, he’ll never again fear that you’re basic, because he’ll be all like “whoa shit!”
Blood
Nothing is as unique to you as your own blood. It’s filled with your DNA, after all! Cut yourself somewhere, bleed into a vial, bulb, or other small glass container and give it to your hunnybear. He’ll have no idea—like—what is going on.
The Largest Rusty Metal Object You Can Drag Home
We can’t tell you exactly what to get, because we don’t know what’s lying around the construction yards in your area, but we can tell you that dudes love big rusty metal things. The more cumbersome, the better—if you drag something home that’s two or three times your body weight, he’ll be so impressed by your feat that he’ll be left momentarily speechless. No basic bitch would figure out how to hire a crane and throw out her back in order to acquire a literal piece of garbage. You won’t find this shit on a Pinterest board!
A Cow
Men love meat, and there’s nothing that says “meat” more than an entire cow, and nothing is more manly than letting him butcher it himself! When he sees the sweet animal mooing at him in his front yard and realizes what he’s going to have to do, he’ll be overwhelmed with feelings of “seriously, WTF is my life?” He will never forget that shit. Talk about unique!
A Piece of Lenin’s Body
Not much could amaze him more than a Lenin relic. Not John Lennon, the Beatle; any average girl could give her boyfriend some rock memorabilia for V-Day and call it a day. We’re talking about Vladimir Lenin, the Russian revolutionary. Just sneak into his Moscow tomb and break off a piece of his corporeal husk. Then wrap it up in a sweet little gift box and give it to your boo. We guarantee your boo will be like “whaaaaa?”
Covering Yourself in Mud and Heading to the Woods
Is that the gift? Heck no, that’s just the beginning of a journey that will end in a very non-basic gift. Spend three days subsisting on whatever nuts, seeds, and fruits you can find. Sleep in a hollowed-out log with only dried moss to huddle into for warmth. When you’re starting to hallucinate, carve his name into a piece of bark along with a poem about the first time you saw him. At the end of three days, return home and give him your bark poem while still covered in forest detritus. Your bae will be like “gaaaa? This bitch is something, but not basic.” You just won V-Day!
Every Element in the Periodic Table
Give him a vial of every element from the periodic table, from carbon to meitnerium. Even museums can’t get them all! He’ll be like “who is this girl?!”
A “Purge Night”
Regular girls would think of giving their boyfriends a fun night out or maybe even a hall pass to cheat, but you’re not “regular.” Instead, give your dude the gift of a purge night, a special night where he can kill anyone he wants. He’ll be like “whoa, marry me;” or at least “whoa.”
Don’t spend any more time wondering what sort of gift would be best for your boo—grab one of these exciting gifts and you’ll never be mistaken for a basic bitch ever again. Like, “duhh?”
