New York Fashion Week is going through some big changes this year, but one thing remains constant: young models, designers, and business-people, all clamoring for the spotlight. How can you cut through the noise and get noticed? The answer is simple: Take a huge dump somewhere! Grab your trendiest outfit and stock up on laxatives, because this is one public shitting opportunity that only comes twice a year.
Prepare for Poo
As the saying goes, beauty is pain and poop is work! Gather toilet essentials in a superluxe carryall bag. No one will question your lumpy roll of TP when it’s elegantly concealed inside a 90s Birkin! Think of bringing a freshening spray or scented candle to clear the air after, unless you want people to smell your brand in hopes of being “discovered.” If your unique dump gets enough buzz around the Lincoln Center ground floor bathroom, you might be able to land coveted contracts to feature your poops on Instagram. #DailyDeuce!
Pack a Gift Bag
For the non-models among us, fear not: you can still grab the attention of fashion influencers by shitting in their swag bags! Arrive early at the event to sneak your target bag to the side, silently move your bowels (or loudly—you never know who may be scouting for stray farts!), and leave your comp card on top so they can get to know fashion’s freshest face. Fill as many bags as you can before you run out of steam.
Doo-Doo with Celebs
Fashion Week is swarming with celebs, and photographers are always on the lookout for who’s defecating with whom. Pop a squat next to Kim K. in front of a step and repeat and invite her to pinch a loaf with you for the cameras. Don’t be intimidated—celebs poop, too! They’re just like us!
Shit the Runway
The best place to get noticed while crapping is on the runway at a prestigious fashion show, so do your work beforehand and show up to castings. If you’re a complete unknown or just a little dumpy, however, you’ll just have to sneak in on the night-of and make a dash for it. Weave in and out of models and security personnel, then strike a chic squatting pose and do the deed right at the end of the catwalk. Try to make eye contact with Anna Wintour while you drop the kids off at the pool. This is what insiders call “networking”!
With these tips, you might not be invited back to NYFW, but you’ll have left your skidmark on fashion history forever. On to Paris, Milan, and beyond!
