One of the first moves of the Trump administration was to appoint known white supremacist Steve Bannon to the position of White House chief strategist. One way to fight this decision is by calling our elected officials in order to pressure Trump to remove Bannon from his post. How can you perform this tedious civic activism against hate while keeping things fun and lighthearted? We’d like to suggest these funny characters to try on your next call to your legislator:
A Man Who Keeps Getting Hit in the Nuts
It can be hard to stay motivated to remain an active participant in democracy. That is, unless you think about how funny it is when men get hit in the junk! Call your representative using a deep voice and this script:
“Hi, my name is Don Nutso, and I’m a constituent of – Ow! Holy shit my dog just jumped into my lap real hard. Anyways, I live at [Your Address]. I’m calling to ask [Representative’s Name] to – Jesus fuck! I just walked right into the back of this chair. Damnit! Okay, uh, please make it a priority to pressure Donald Trump to remove Steve Bannon, a known white supremacist, from the position of Chief – fuck fuck fuck. Goddamnit this guy just opened his car door into my balls. I gotta call you back.”
An Old Lady Who Is Worried about whether Everyone Ate
Steve Bannon once said, “Birth control makes women unattractive and crazy,” and he’s about to hold one of the highest offices in the land. Find the energy to call out what you shouldn’t have to by calling your senator as a grandma who wants to feed people!!
“Hello? Hello? This is Doris. I’ve lived here my whole life and if you think I’m gonna sit back while Steve Bannon is appointed and you people run around your office without a decent meal in your stomach, you got another thing coming. Please name this Nazi scumbag for what he is and come pick up the casserole I made for you. Eat something for God’s sake [Representative’s Name]. Our country is falling apart and the least you could do is eat something!
A Little Worm Who Cares
Sometimes desperate times call for absurdist measures. When the country is being led by a team of racists that even Republicans feel uncomfortable with, sometimes you just need to pick yourself up and make a phone call in a high-pitched squeaky voice:
“Hiiii. I’m a little worm. Yes, just a little worm that squirmed up to the phone. I don’t even have a name. I had to do something though, because we’ve all gotta pitch in now, even us little guys. Anyways, I live at [Worm Address] and I’m asking asking for [Representative’s Name] to publicly condemn the appointment of Steve Bannon. If a little baby worm like me can figure out how to use a phone, the least you can do is make one small statement condemning the appointment of a man who says “gay rights have made us dumber.” Okay? It’s not that hard. I love you! Byyyyee.
Democracy is hard. Try any of these hilarious voices to make calling your representatives fun and entertaining for everyone on the line!