After the completion of a complimentary in-flight movie with surprisingly female-centric casting, AmeriSkye Flight 380 has broken up over the Atlantic and plunged into the ocean, reports say.
The overnight flight departed from London, but by the time flight 380 entered the American airspace and Bridesmaids finished playing, the plane’s wings simply fell off, causing it to plunge headfirst into the ocean.
“American air simply can’t withstand the leaden weight of a female-centric in-flight movie,” says cinematographer and aviation expert Claude Dopschlinger, whose father is a major director but that has nothing to do with why Claude is so successful. “The conceit of such a film is simply too dense,” he explains. “Had they shown Ocean’s Eleven or Ocean’s Twelve or even Ocean’s Thirteen—taking into account, mind you, that the word ‘ocean’ is in the title, along with unlucky number 13—this still wouldn’t have happened. Whatever their faults, all of the Oceans movies are about guys, and planes love cool guy things and hate girl things.” He adds, “I hope I didn’t use too many technical terms for you.”
Despite the fact that nobody in either field could verify his assertions, Mr. Dopschlinger’s explanation has been accepted as gospel due to the fact that he seems really confident and is good at crotch-first body language.
A rescue boat off the coast of Cape Cod managed to rescue all passengers on board, due in part to the fact that pilot had been taught to expect chick flick-caused malfunctions upon entering American airspace. All passengers from Flight 380 emphatically stressed, upon rescue, that they would never watch a female-centric movie ever again.
“It’s just not worth it,” says Marie Salisbury, 54, a passenger still bobbing off the coast of Cape Cod. “Something felt off about it—all those women—I wasn’t going to even watch at first, but I did. I should have listened to my intuition. From now on, I’m only traveling by bus, and only buses that show regular movies.”
“If there had been just one male-centric movie shown during that flight to balance things out, this wouldn’t have happened,” says Dopschlinger, before going on to explain that, contrary to airline policy and common sense, two female-centric movies had been shown on flight 380—Bridesmaids and The Hunger Games: Catching Fire—with no backup film featuring all or mostly men.
“It was a gross violation of basic safety protocol,” says Dopschlinger. “If I were that plane, I would have ripped my own wings off, too.”
AmeriSkye is reportedly offering refunds to affected passengers, as well as lifetime passes to any movie directed by Guy Ritchie.
“We are truly mortified by the events that took place on Flight 380, and are taking strong measures to discipline the responsible parties,” they said in a statement.
According to a class action lawsuit brought by shaken and damp passengers, crewmember Lorie Petris showed gross negligence when she failed to consider the effect that two female-centric movies would have on the structural integrity of the jetliner.
“I didn’t think about it,” Petris says, contrite. “I just grabbed whatever DVD was sitting there and threw it in. I actually liked Bridesmaids when I saw it! It felt like an honest depiction of female friendship. God, how wrong I was. I’m going to have to live with that oversight for the rest of my life.”
She was then interrupted by seven men, who said what she had just said, but better.