Euphoria Effect? This 14-Year-Old Thinks She’s Cool

Wondering how this Euphoria craze is affecting our nation’s youth? Look no further than 14-year-old Catherine Maxwell, who now thinks she’s actually cool.


After watching the opening episode of season two, which is replete with depictions of violence, drug abuse, and reckless behavior, Maxwell had one takeaway: that she—a freshman in high school—is really hot and probably dresses really well.


“I mean, Euphoria depicts high school as it really is,” Maxwell said while memorizing lines for her school’s production of The Little Mermaid Jr. in which she plays Fish #6. “It’s about sex appeal.” Maxwell was later seen strutting into school confidently, despite the fact she plays flute in marching band and is often described as “a pleasure to have in class.”


Many parents have expressed concerns that the show glamorizes an unhealthy, dangerous lifestyle. “Is it cool to smoke weed all the time?” Catherine’s mother, Patricia asked our reporters. “Yes. But my daughter absolutely does not do that.”


The show has also come under fire for its implicit claim that any high schooler has ever looked like Sydney Sweeney. “Calling 24-year-old models in sparkly eyeshadow ‘high school students’ sends damaging messages to adolescents,” said teen psychologist Darren Bates. “It sends them the message that they’re cool. And that is simply untrue.”


The school’s principal, Stephanie DeSantos, fears things have gotten out of hand: “All of the football players think they’re male manipulators,” she told reporters, “and I’m sorry but they have not won a single game this season.”


A group of concerned parents have even started a petition to get the show cancelled, or at least throw a freckled virgin in there.


“I get that they have a show to produce,” said local dad Marcus Dworet, “but they can’t just ignore how this is affecting our kids. My son’s confidence is through the roof, and at this rate, he’ll never get bullied enough to stop wearing cargo shorts and get hot in college.” No…NO!


At press time, Maxwell was seen hiding behind a corner, staring at a member of the mathletes who has four mustache hairs. Witness report hearing her whisper, “He’s my Nate Jacobs.”