Sometimes, the difference between a relaxing evening and choking someone is a few drops of soothing, essential oils. Here is our list of mood-enhancing potions to help you take the fucking edge off and not push everyone off the subway platforms.
Ylang Ylang: A sweet and floral oil, ylang ylang battles anxiety and anger. Rub a few drops on your palms and hold them over your nose and mouth while inhaling deeply. If you’ve just been arrested for stabbing your mailman, this will be more effective if your hands are cuffed in front of you than behind.
Clary Sage: This earthy oil can help with the pain of childbirth. Instead of pussing out and going for that epidural, why not have your birth partner rub a few drops (along with a carrier oil, of course!) into the soles of your feet as Jazden crowns his way through the gash where your perineum used to be?
Virginian Cedarwood: A woodsy scent will help sweep you into fall and soothe that adult chin acne. Bliss out with an a strong whiff of cedarwood and a warm mug of cider instead of tearing out a chunk of your younger, married sister’s scalp while shopping for plastic pumpkin decorations.
Patchouli: It’s not just for burned-out hippies and Bonnaroo stoners, anymore! After a tiring fourteen-hour workday, try diffusing some patchouli with neroli and peppermint to lift your mood while you prepare supper. Before you know it, you’ll be feasting on your Hot Pocket and not smashing your roommate’s elbows with a hammer!
Vetiver: A strong and smoky oil, this is a perfect remedy for your insomnia the night before your interview for that big social media job. Your stress will melt away before you discover that this dry-cleaning chain is only comfortable hiring candidates with extensive Microsoft Works experience.
Roman Chamomile: This crisp, fruity extract has a wide range of uses: Add to a detox bath to help combat the “cystitis” you developed from raw-dogging it in the alley behind Buffalo Wild Wings with the drummer of a Third Eye Blind cover band. Both your intense self-hatred and urinary discomfort should subside instantly.
Thieves: This proprietary, healing blend will help you forget the money you sunk into that home-based aromatherapy business opportunity, and your three kids with upper-respiratory infections you’ve been trying to treat solely with eucalyptus oil. This blend will keep you one crucial step away from drowning them in the bathtub.
Don’t forget to finish with some soothing music, your favorite incense, and the pack of Marlboro Reds you’ve been stashing underneath the coffee table. Time to get into chill mode!
