In a stunning discovery that will certainly send ripples through the world economy, economists at the Wharton School of Business have just confirmed that, due to rampant inflation, it is now fine to send three unanswered texts.
“We’ve never seen inflation like this,” said Professor Rayna Meyers. “Gas prices have skyrocketed, the Consumer Price Index is through the roof, and where it was once okay to send one, maybe two unanswered texts, we’re seeing threes across the board.”
“Even when we look at the hyperinflation of the 1970s—even then—it was only acceptable to make one unanswered call. If you kept calling after that you had to feel a little bad about it.”
While some are adjusting to this “new normal” slowly but surely, sending the odd third unanswered text but predominantly sticking to two, others have taken the news and run with it.
“Now that it’s fine to send three unanswered texts,” continued Professor Meyers. “We’re seeing our outliers fly even closer to the margins, in the range of six, maybe even seven. At that point it’s like, ‘Dear God, man, she’s not into you.’”
“This is having real consequences for the American people,” said Federal Reserve Chairman Janet Yellen, “For example, it’s now harder than ever for people who are down bad to realize they’re being strung along.”
Reporters confirm this is because texters can’t differentiate between someone who is unintentionally not responding—which is typical of this economy—and someone who is trying to send a signal that they’re not really feeling it.
But there’s one demographic that is most excited by this new economic turn: people who are bad at texting back.
“Before the inflation, if I didn’t answer someone after one text, they’d follow up like, ‘Hello? Are you mad at me?’” said Brian Willcox. “But now, I can let three texts go by before they even notice, and even then I can be like, ‘OMG so sorry, I completely missed this!’ God Bless the Federal Reserve.”
As far as what bodes for the future of the American marketplace, economists are unsure.
“We might see inflation continue to rise as people realize social conventions like ‘the number of texts you can send before it becomes weird’ are a construct,” said Purdue Professor Maxim Hylen. “Or we could see rates drop as folks realize they should just text people back.”
At press time, reporters got a third update text from the Federal Reserve but didn’t really want to read it, instead deciding they’d reply “Sorry, typed a reply but didn’t hit send” in a few hours. And that’s fine now!
