It’s back-to-school time, and that means even more hectic schedules for both parents and kids. Who has the time to make a home-cooked meal? Definitely not me, so I’ve written these quick and easy recipes for my family to make when I’m out of the house or just don’t fucking feel like making dinner every goddamn night because I’m not a fucking maid.
Pasta and Sauce From a Jar
Boil some water in a pot. Throw in some goddamn salt. Throw in the pasta. Wait eight minutes. No, I’m not going to tell you when eight minutes is up; you can look at the fucking clock like everyone else. Drain the pasta without burning yourself for fuck’s sake because I do not have time to deal with a trip to the emergency room tonight. Open the jar of sauce. Pour it into a microwave-safe bowl if you want to heat it up, or just pour it straight onto the pasta. I could not give a shit. Congratu-fucking-lations, you made dinner. Was that so hard?
Mac ‘n Cheese n’ Go Away
Just follow the instructions on the fucking box for Christ’s sake. No, I’m not getting it down for you; you can reach it if you try hard enough. Just take the box off of the shelf, read the instructions, and make the fucking mac ‘n cheese already. What do you mean you can’t read? Why am I paying for private kindergarten? Okay, well then ask your father to read it for you, because Mommy has to watch Orange is the New Black and drink this Chardonnay.
Cereal, You Idiots
Pour some cereal in a bowl. Now pour some milk in the same bowl. You don’t know where the bowls are?! Oh, I’m sure Meghan’s mom does make meatloaf for her family every Thursday. Does Meghan’s mom work a full-time job? Oh, she’s a pediatrician? A pediatric cardiologist? Okay, well, whatever. Meghan’s mom can go fuck herself. Last time I checked I made the rules in this house and I say we’re having Special K tonight. Now go eat it in your bedroom because Mommy has a headache.
I Don’t Know, A Granola Bar and An Apple?
Honestly, do you expect me to make an entire four-course meal from fucking scratch every night? Why don’t I just sell the washer and dryer and scrub all your clothes clean in a nearby river, too?! Or maybe I could make some food for myself for once, and then chew it up and spit it into your mouth like a goddamn bird! Because clearly it’s not enough that I brought you into this world; I have to continue to sustain you every day like you’re an infant that can’t pick up food and bring it to its own mouth. Well, Mommy’s not going to be here forever, so it’s time you start fending for yourselves, you ungrateful shits. And while you’re at it, make me something to eat. I’m hungry.
Use any of these recipes to have your family make their own healthy fucking meal any night of the week. And remember, if they don’t want to make dinner, there’s always delivery. No, you fucking look up the number of the pizza place!
