Some people think jewelry is a fun accessory, but we know that its true purpose is to collect the sweat of your palms as you frantically twist them while you panic at parties, work meetings, or networking events! Fortunately, we have the perfect earrings to mess with until they permanently damage your earlobe as your boss asks you what your five-year plan is!
Fake Diamond Studs
This classic choice will have people at your friend’s friend’s party wondering, “Wow, does this woman even deserve nice things?” As you stretch your cartilage to the nape of your neck, you might just find the appropriate time in the conversation to introduce yourself as Janice’s roommate.
Sterling Silver Knots
Your stomach won’t be the only thing that feels like a rope that was tied by 15 boy scouts on a boat atop rocky waters! With these sterling silver knot earrings, you can twist until your thumbs no longer have fingerprints, allowing you to escape this baby shower with no evidence of your presence! You’re doing it right!!
Your Grandmother’s Pearls
Knowing that the spirit of your grandmother is with you while your cheeks turn red and forehead drips sweat into your new co-worker’s fondue will not be nearly as comforting as turning the bronze backs of Nana’s earrings until they rust.
Plastic Stars From Middle School
You might’ve forgotten about these gems from eighth grade, but if there’s anything that can take a beating as well as your ego at a mid-year review, it’s a pair of purple polystyrene stars!
Wing Pins From Your Brief Stint as a Flight Attendant
So these aren’t real earrings, but as a statement piece they can easily remind you of a time when you were even less together in public than you are right now. Furiously spin your Southwest Airlines pins while choking down straight vodka in order to answer a question from your former professor without starting to cry. You’re doing great!!
With these beautiful earrings, you can face any social event knowing that while you may not have conversational skills, any sense of self-advocacy, or ability to make meaningful eye contact, you have two trusty crutches punched through your earlobe that will buffer the tension of all dread for at least thirty seconds before anyone comments. Godspeed!