Does your guy take you for granted? Would he rather watch sports and drink beer with his buddies than spend all Saturday afternoon with you at Bed Bath and Beyond? Before you give yourself a slutty makeover and traipse off to the local watering hole, consider giving your apartment a suspiciously hot new look. Just a few strategic changes to your living space can make him wonder if you’re seeing somebody else, sending your man into a jealousy-driven “trying harder” phase!
Remember those stubby old candles you’ve had sitting in a drawer for years? Try lining them up along your nightstand, windowsill, and dresser, then lighting them for 2-4 hours. Burnt-down candles will have your man wondering what’s going on when he’s not there, meaning he’ll be spending less time at Ziggy’s Pub and more time between your legs!
Spray it, don’t say it!
Instead of burning incense, stop by the perfume counter at your local department store and tell them you’re looking for the kind of cologne a high-powered CEO would wear. Spray your pillows and couch lightly, then hump around on them. The new scent will enliven your apartment’s atmosphere while driving your boyfriend so crazy, he’ll actually take an interest in your interests!
Feng shui is the way!
Many decorators follow the principles of feng shui, which is the Chinese concept of energy flow (or “qi”) through your living space. To conduct romance and intrigue through your bedroom, feng shui experts recommend examining every object in the room. If you find something singular—such as one nightstand, a lone lamp or a picture of someone solo—double it! He’ll get the point that maybe you’re doing it with someone else and immediately start liking your dog!
Now that the TV and that portrait of Grandma are gone, take down those dowdy old prints of flowers and babies and replace them with artful photos of naked couples holding each other. To maximize the effect, choose photos involving female partners who vaguely resemble you, and male partners who vaguely resemble Mark from work. Your man will be so jelly, he’ll start kissing you right on the mouth! Cool!
Get rid of those stuffed animals and replace them with a hand-stitched throw pillow embroidered with mystery initials. Your man will wonder who else has been in your bed – he might even let you look him in the eyes!
Hang velvet drapes and keep them closed at all times, except in the morning when you stare out the window in your underwear and a sashless, diaphanous robe while your boyfriend looks on and wonders, What is she thinking? Is she thinking about me or that goon from her office? He might even let you inside the house!
When you see that panicked look on his face again, you’ll know your redecoration was a success!