When you’ve been in a committed relationship with someone for a while, it can feel a little hokey to say, “I know what you did on that schooner, you cowardly fuck.” Being with the same person day-in and day-out makes it hard to find a way to let him know that you know (You know everything). Still, there are tons of cute things you can do to let your man know you know what happened on Greg’s boat that day. Here are a few sweet nothings to make his eyes go wide in a bad way:
Offer to massage his back, since it “must be sore from last week.”
You haven’t given your hubs one of your famous back rubs since the early years of your relationship—back before the lying started. So go ahead and offer him a good rubdown. When he asks what inspired this act of kindness, simply tell him, “It must be sore after being on Greg’s boat. You know, all that rocking.” Treat yourself to a satisfied gaze over his shoulder while his face goes white. His muscles will tighten right back up again—message received! Or should we say, massage received? Ha ha!
Put a note in his briefcase that says, “You float my boat” with a picture of Greg’s boat on it.
You used to slip love notes into his glove compartment, just to let him know you loved him. Nowadays, your husband-related sneaking is mostly just covertly following him on his late-night errand runs, which had all been frustratingly mundane—until now. If you want your man to really feel caught, hide a sticky note in his bag that says, “You float my boat,” with a little drawing of a boat that looks suspiciously like Greg’s and three little stick figures. He’ll see it, then immediately throw up from stress. Aww, he’s thinking about you at work!
Stare at him while he brushes his teeth.
While he’s brushing his teeth, stand in the bathroom doorway out of his eyeline and look at him in the mirror. Just look at him. So smug. What’s he smiling about? Who smiles while they brush their teeth? A cheating pervert who’s about to get burned, that’s who. Step into full view right as he leans down to spit so that he sees you just as he lifts his head up, like a horror movie. He’ll wonder, “What’s she looking at me for? Oh god, she can’t know, can she? Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.” You’re his nightmare now!
Leave two brass buttons on his nightstand.
He’ll think it’s a coincidence. Then he’ll think he’s imagining them being there. Then he’ll think he’s losing his mind. That’s just a part of the surprise of knowing that you know about what happened out on the bay last Thursday night! He’ll look at the buttons and think, “But I was so discreet. We were all discreet.” Lesson learned: You can’t hide from a wife who’s finally putting her sick days to good use!
Start hanging out with Greg.
Greg won’t understand it. Your husband won’t understand it. But start giving the Gregster a call whenever you have free time. Shoot some pool, get a couple of beers, go for a walk, whatever! Friends hang out, right? Wrong. This is one mind game that’s sure to send the message, “I have your entire life in my pocket and I can crush it at any time.”
Right as he’s falling asleep, whisper into his ear, “My heart is stuffed with love in all its holes.”
The moments just before sleep is a very vulnerable time, perfect for whispering something that will haunt his dreams. A clunky, euphemistic reference to the disgusting act will let him know that you’re getting everything in this divorce. Everything. It’s amazing what a sweet nothing can do!
So the next time you want your man to know that you have video evidence of what he, Greg, and that bank teller did on that boat and will be submitting it as evidence in your impending landslide of a divorce, try doing it in a cute little hint of a way! There’s nothing like making a man second-guess his sanity before destroying him.
