The ability to have lots of sex and no babies is an important mark of your value as a woman. But it’s also important not to wake him up in the morning because he really needs his sleep. Your man doesn’t want to be reminded that his favorite activity can result in you gestating a life. Gross! What’s a girl to do when she has to remember a pill every day and doesn’t want to creep out her boyfriend with words like “ovulation” and “hormones” and “pill”? We’ve got you covered with these tips to keep that biological truth discreet.
A phone alarm that says, “Give Derek a blowjob.”
A phone reminder is an effective way to take your pill on time every day, but the beep of an alarm might start to annoy Derek, or prompt him to ask pesky questions, like if you’re “on the rag” or having “girl shit.” He certainly won’t be complaining if you disguise your reminder. Of course, you will have to give Derek a blowjob, but that should provide a time when he’ll be too distracted to notice you popping that lil’ pill.
Enlist a woodland creature to remind you.
You shop at Etsy, so training a wee bluebird to chirp at you the same time every day shouldn’t be too hard. Your Cinderella-like charm will draw woodland animals to you as effectively as you ensnared your maturity-impaired boyfriend.
Convert to Islam.
The Muslim religion is all about that regularly scheduled prayer, so why not incorporate your birth control into your Salah? Your call to prayer will be the perfect excuse to swallow your birth control while he plays Call of Duty. Don’t worry about doing it four more times—he never takes interest in what’s important to you, so you’re in the clear!
Pay a guy to “attack” you at the same time, every day.
You can find your own Cato for a reasonable rate on Craigslist; you just have to emphasize that timeliness and ineptitude is key. Take advantage of the ensuing low-impact frenzy by taking your birth control. Your boyfriend will be too busy saving you and congratulating himself to wonder why someone’s trying to kill you every day!!
Just use your memory.
It’s never failed you before (in that you probably aren’t currently pregnant), so why risk the shame of a reminder? You’ll remember. You’ll just have to. You seriously cannot have this guy’s baby.
These tips will keep you in the sack and out of the maternity ward, and he’ll have no idea how you managed it, you clever sex goddess. If you’re wondering, “Why not just take it in the bathroom?” uhhhh, yeah right! Like he’s ever gonna find out you pee!