If you’re friends with someone on Facebook, common courtesy dictates that you must wish them your best on the day of their birth. But what if you absolutely hate the guts of the person having a birthday? These five tips will help you wish the person you hate a happy birthday while making sure they know you fucking hate them.
1. Keep Punctuation and Capital Letters to a Minimum
The best rule of thumb for making your vitriolic hate known to the birthday girl and all 987 of her Facebook friends is to keep things short and not very sweet. A good rule of thumb is to craft a flowery and genuine birthday message, then remove one descriptive word for every wrong this person has committed against you. Whatever you’re left with, post.
2. Use Visual Aids
In addition to your message, add a photo! This is one of my favorites because you can really make it your own. Whether the photo is humiliating, legally incriminating, jealousy-inducing, or all three; it’s up to you! To paraphrase Maya Angelou: “People will forget what you said in your message, but they will never forget how the photo you posted on their Facebook wall made them feel.”
3. Bring Up a Family Tragedy
Not even hundreds of Facebook notifications can bring a birthday girl back from a sudden and unexpected wave of overwhelming grief, so use this to your advantage! All you have to do is be bold enough to call attention to a close, personal tragedy in a falsely supportive way; the more recent the better.
4. Ruin a Surprise Party
Nothing ruins a birthday girl’s day like a spoiled surprise party. And don’t worry if the object of your hatred isn’t being surprised; it’s even better that way! Not only will she be crushed that the surprise was ruined, but she’ll have to be put on suicide watch once she figures out there was no party to begin with!
5. Get their Age Wrong
Wish them a happy birthday while noting their age as embarrassingly old or young. They’ll look petty if they try to correct you.
Destroying someone’s birthday with the power of words through social media is easy, once you have the proper tools and knowledge at your disposal. Keep these tips in mind so the next time you think about defriending your enemy, just passive-aggressively ruin the best day of their year instead.
