There’s no denying it – summer is here! And whether you’re heating things up at a backyard barbecue, lifeguard-watching on a tropical beach, or just riding the subway to brunch with a hangover, you’ll need to do your part to ensure that the world continues to think you’re not staring at that guy’s junk. Enter: sunglasses. With short inseams rising and bathing suits getting tighter, we’ve rounded up four of this season’s hottest shades that will totally distract from the blatant eye contact you’re making with his dick!
Heart Shaped:
A manic pixie dream girl as whimsical as you are could never be accused of crotch-watching! These frames give the impression that you believe babies come into this world by sliding down a rainbow on the back of a unicorn, pushed by a giggling Care Bear. Girls like you don’t think about lust. You’re too busy figuring out if he’s just your best friend or if he’s secretly The One, and wondering if he’ll ever be able to look past the Peter-Pan collars and polka dots to see how perfect you could be together. Don these playful specs and he’ll think you’re admiring his colorful patterned socks or his handcrafted bow tie – but we know better!
Metallic Gold:
That twinkle in your eye may be the dreams of your unborn children starting to manifest at the sight of his capable dong, but he doesn’t have to know that! Toss on a pair of 24-karat specs and he’ll think that glint is nothing more than the sunlight dancing off of your It Girl eyewear. It takes a confident, powerful girl to go for the gold and sport the metallic trend. Is he hanging right, left, or up? It doesn’t matter, because these shades say, “I’m so into myself I didn’t even notice you, you puny man, let alone your junk!”
Big and Round:
Size does matter! Cover as much of your face as possible with this pair of circular beauties that would make Elton John swoon almost as much as the guy’s package you’re eyeing would. If you’re going to hop on this year’s resurgence of the round trend, why not go for the gusto? They aren’t for the faint of heart, so you might have to pump yourself up a bit before examining the way his balls lay in these shades. Take them out on the town and even the most aware of men won’t be able to catch you looking.
Wooden:
A good piece of wood never goes out of style! Am I right, ladies? When you’re wearing this trend, he’ll be too busy admiring the cut and grain of your sleek frames to notice that you’re shamelessly daydreaming about that funny half-erection he has going on. And while you’re thinking about your eye candy in an au natural state, that environmentally conscious cutie will be thinking about how much your sustainably made shades showcase the Earth’s natural beauty.
Sport these hot new sunnies for all your out-of-doors activities this summer – before all the little squirrels bury their nuts for the winter!
