The Best Diaper Brands for Bad Mothers

So many companies these days promise leak-proof all-night protection that it can be hard for me, a negligent mommy, to know which brand will keep my baby dry, comfortable, and most of all, quiet, as I let her sit in her own filth. That’s why I conducted a little experiment using my own baby, Seafoam. Here are the results:


Best For Moms Who Need Sleep: Pampers All-Around Wetness Protection
This brand is crazy absorbent. I left it on little Seafoam for a full 36 hours before she felt a thing. Yes, the apartment had begun to smell by then, and yes, the baby did develop a (very mild!) infection, but the point is that she didn’t know she was peeing on herself and I got to have my “me” day. Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I’m no longer a woman, and I deserve time to do my breathing exercises and take power naps in the middle of the day!


Best For Moms Who Just Want To Show Off: Luvs With Cartoon Characters
These diapers are super expensive, but do you want the other moms to catch you at the playground with a generic brand poking out of your Kate Spade diaper bag? These diapers cost money that you could be saving for your child’s future education, but come on: I had a baby because ohmygosh her little clothes are so cute and the pictures of her are so cute and together we look socutesocutesocute.



Best For Moms Who Did Not Plan Ahead: Parents’ Choice Ultra-Stretch Big Pack
Those Luvs were…they were expensive. They were really expensive. Kind of ran out of money but it’s okay because Parents’ Choice Ultra-Stretches are so stretchy they fit a baby of almost any size, so all you have to do is steal one Big Pack from the local Costco and you’re set for months! Unless of course your child happens to be the world’s thirstiest baby and she pees and pees and—again Seafoam? Again?


Best For Moms Who Are Giving Up: Huggies Crawl and Play Pull-Ups
The fitted edge on these Pull-ups are perfect for when Seafoam wants to clamber over the staircases and sofas at my mother’s house, where she will be staying for a few weeks. Maybe a month. Six months, tops. It’s not that I don’t love her, it’s just that my mom is really much better suited for this sort of…thing. How can I be a mom if I don’t know how to be me yet? David said he’d cut back on his hours at work, but since when does that mean anything? I need a Xanax. Also, these diapers come in different colors!


To all the other struggling mommies out there: you are not alone. You have your baby. Your stinky, dirty little baby. Can someone potty-train this thing already? Ew.