In a story emerging from the dinner table of your family gathering, Grandma has finally progressed from her classic backhanded compliments to straight-up insults that sting like a bitch.
You go, Grandma! Old dog’s learning new tricks, and that trick is roasting!
“I’m used to Grandma saying the type of unintentionally biting line that keeps you second guessing yourself for days,” you told reporters while hiding inside the bathroom. “For example, maybe she’ll tell me I’m ‘looking healthy’ or ‘seem like I’m still well-built,’ but this time, she walked in and immediately said, ‘Here comes the fat-ass. About to chow down on the slop, are we?’ What’s happening? Who broke my grandma?”
Who broke Grandma, indeed! Who broke her and rebuilt her in the image of Roastmaster General Jeff Ross?
“Sure, my mom’s been getting a bit more direct in her old age,” your mother told reporters. “But this is the first time she’s entered a room and absolutely read everyone for filth. I’m used to the occasional, ‘Is this the final table setting, sweetie?’ but I’ve never heard her say, ‘Looks like shit, Maureen. Absolute shit.’ That is, until today.”
When reached for comment, your grandma said, “Get the fuck out of my face,” which made a few reporters cry and few others sit out in the car for a bit.
“Grandma’s always liked me,” said your father. “Why is she being like this? Why did she say she was going to shine my bald head like an egg and cook it?”
Members of the family gathered in the nearby bathroom to ruminate on what had changed to make Grandma an absolute cunt, but no one could quite pinpoint it.
“Is it her meds?” your mom asked. “Maybe she’s under a lot of stress at home.”
“I’m not under any fucking stress at home,” Grandma chimed in, bursting through the door. “I’m just bored and tired of self-censoring around you idiots. I want the drama! Someone punch me in the face!”
You go, Grandma! Advocate for yourself!
After briefly reconvening to decide if it would, indeed, be best for someone to just punch Grandma in the face, your family decided against it.
As of press time, you decided it would probably be best to follow Grandma around with a camera crew, wait for her to say something batshit, then upload a compilation to YouTube with the John Cena music in the background.
Congrats, Grandma! You’re going to be a star!
