In an act of bravery and selflessness the likes of which this world has never seen, local 22-year-old Carolyn Wilson has become vegetarian because she is honestly just really afraid to cook meat.
Can someone say ‘voice of a generation’?
“We all have to do our part for the planet, so from now on I will only eat veggies and legumes,” Carolyn told reporters. “Because undercooking those probably won’t kill me. Right?”
Probably not, you green-thumb goddess!
The UN estimates that meat consumption accounts for 14% of all man-made greenhouse gases, and Carolyn estimates that she’s asked her mom, “Do I need to wash this beef?” up to 25 times in the past year alone.
In an act the press is calling “equivalent to the time Greta Thunberg sailed across the Atlantic Ocean to avoid flight-related carbon emissions,” Wilson did not cook any chicken this week because she’s afraid of salmonella.
“Or does that come from salmon?” she asked our team. “Better avoid both to be safe.”
Carolyn’s climate activism doesn’t stop there. She has also refused to buy a personal car (because she doesn’t know how to drive) and won’t take international flights (because she cannot afford them.)
“When our home is in crisis, I pledge to answer the call,” Wilson told a crowd of adoring fans. “But yeah, if any of you have some leftover lamb that you’ve, like, already cooked but haven’t eaten, my door is open.”
When asked what she would tell younger climate activists who hope to one day be as altruistic as her, Carolyn chuckled softly.
“It’s not an easy road, but remember that a better future is possible, a future where you’ll never have to guess how long pork needs to be in the oven until it’s safe for consumption.”
Are you guys crying? Because we’re crying!
At press time, Carolyn was seen very stoned walking into a Dominos to order a meat-lovers pizza. Treat yourself, hero!
