In a still developing story, witnesses have confirmed that the Chipotle worker who called you “ma’am” last week while assembling your burrito is still at large.
Law enforcement officials announced Thursday that they are still seeking the individual responsible for this character assault, citing their hopes that this individual could be reasoned with. Attempts by our field reporters to determine if there was any ill-will behind the words that signify you are old are ongoing, and the questions “Wait, do I look like a ‘ma’am’ to you?” and “You guys would tell me if I looked like a ‘ma’am’ right?” still remain unanswered.
At a press conference held in the Chipotle parking lot, several additional victims stepped forward, sparking rumors that the perpetrator might, in fact, be a serial ma’am-er.
“I came into this Chipotle for a chicken queso burrito with all the fixin’s,” one woman reported. “Not to be reminded of my own – apparently rapidly fading – mortality.”
“Anything would’ve been better than ‘ma’am’ – ‘you there’ or ‘hey fuck face’ or even ‘hello sports fan,’” she added. “Hell, at this point, I’d prefer my full Christian name, delivered straight to my face in the patronizing, disappointed tone of my mother. At least then I could preserve the deep-seated insecurities of my youth, if only for a moment. Just not ‘ma’am’ – there’s no bouncing back from that.”
Authorities have labeled this individual as “highly dangerous” and “capable of hurting your feelings.” Witnesses have also confirmed that this individual is in possession of a voice that carries.
“When they asked me if I wanted anything else with my order, I thought I said a Diet Coke,” you told reporters. “Not a succinct encapsulation of my bygone youth, lost to the cruel clutches of that unforgiving maiden: the unstoppable passage of time.”
An official cease-and-desist order has been issued, insisting that the individual in question stop calling people ‘ma’am’ or at least use a sarcastic tone – maybe offer a wink or a wry, knowing smile – when doing so.
At press time, the Department of Public Safety issued an escalated advisory, warning individuals to stay home, following reports that this individual had infiltrated several other local businesses, likely picking up other part-time work as school let out for the summer, including, even, the local Trader Joe’s where customers state they “never thought something like this would happen in a million years.”
