Winter is upon us, and if you live in a cold climate, you know exactly what time it is: Time to buy more lip blam for your fucking dry little lips this year. You lost all your favorites in the wash somewhere, so here are some more fucking Chapsticks that you can slather on that cracked fucking mess you call your mouth. Here you go, you dry-lipped motherfucker:
Drunk Elephant Lippe Balm ($18)
This antioxidant-rich lip balm is the perfect salve for the crispy, crunchy cluster of dead skin cells that cover your maw. And for $18, you’ll be all the more willing to make sure you don’t randomly lose it in under the seat of your car instead of fastidiously slathering it on your bad, shitty lips. This expensive garbage should really help with that.
Supergoop Play SPF Lip Balm ($9.50)
This goopy shit is SPF 30, so you can’t possibly do any more damage to what should have been the most supple part of your fucking face. Honestly, you shouldn’t even worry about your cracked lips suddenly getting a sunburn – you won’t even feel it. Your lips have been dead for years.
Burt’s Bees Lip Balm ($3.59)
This tried-and-true balm is trusted by thousands of normal people with lips that are normal and good. Your lips, which resemble the cracked and bleeding mouth of a grizzled old sea captain, are not normal or good. Maybe you should try it?
A Box of Chapstick ($24)
Since we can’t specifically call an ambulance for your lips as we don’t want to strain the hospital system, try buying an entire box of good old-fashioned Chapstick, so you can just kind of chew on one at a time until your flaking meat flappers start to resemble moist and youthful lips again. No guarantees, though!
We honestly don’t know what happened to you, but you definitely should be using more lip balm. And please, drink more water for the sake of all of us, you monster.
