Representatives of the energy drink Celsius have confirmed it is not only normal but also a good sign if drinkers taste blood.
“We’ve gotten reports that customers are tasting blood in their mouths upon consuming our drink,” said Celsius’ CEO, Todd Waters, while surrounded by a team of lawyers. “I’m just here to confirm that that’s fucking sick and honestly so good. Keep that up. If you aren’t tasting blood, that’s actually bad. Ask yourself where you went wrong, because the drink isn’t doing what the drink does best: making you taste blood.”
Over the course of the seven-minute interview, reporters recall watching Todd drink three or four Celsiuses himself. They couldn’t be sure, though, as it appeared he was drinking them through one of those hats with the two straws.
The energy drink, which contains 200 to 300 mg of caffeine depending on the can, has a warning label that drinkers should “not exceed (2) servings per day” and should not drink it if they are “caffeine-sensitive, children under 18, or women pregnant or nursing.” Aside from that, though, representatives confirm it’s actually fucking awesome to taste blood and it means it’s fucking working.
“Just don’t drink it if you’re pregnant because it’ll make your fetus run around and stuff,” Todd continued, dapping his lawyers up ceaselessly. “That’s what ‘Science’ has been telling me, anyway. ‘Science’ is what I call the division of our organization that tells me how much bleach is safe to put in there. Turns out, lots.”
Celsius comes in many different flavors, including “Tropical Vibe,” “Kiwi Guava Lime,” “Orangesicle,” and their most exciting new release, “Electricity. Literally It Tastes Like Electricity.”
This announcement comes as a surprise to no one who has ever had a Celsius.
“Did they mention the tasting blood thing?” said regular drinker, Matthew Meese. “Yeah, that’s my favorite part. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and just can’t get out of bed, so I’ll chug a Celsius, feel my mouth well up with blood, and I’m out the door! I can’t wait to try the Electricity flavor.”
Doctors confirm Celsius can be used to give you a jolt of energy, or alternatively, to clean a desk or power a train.
At press time, reporters tried to get one last comment from Todd, but he had scaled the Empire State Building and was threatening helicopters as they circled overhead.
