Tired of leering men, thirty-year-old Brooklyn resident Jessica Nguyen recently tapped into a power she did not know she had: shooting breast milk out of her eyes and into the face of gawking men. Bystanders were dumbfounded when they witnessed long-suffering Jessica drench an ogling man in a milky substance.
“Something in me just snapped and stuff just started spraying,” Jessica said. “It was like how an octopus shoots out ink in self-defense. Only, it was milk out of my eyes.” She was completely surprised by her new ability.
Jessica had suspected that something was going on with her eyes when she recently cried after hearing some #metoo stories. Her tears were curiously milky.
“I should have known then that I was beginning to develop this gift of being able to soak men with breast milk from my eyes,” Jessica explained. According to family lore, her great-grandmother had a similar power. Jessica always thought it was an old wives tale.
Jessica now seeks to help other women combat the male gaze. She believes that women have the power to produce breast milk for two reasons: to nourish their children and to destroy men.
“A lot of people think you only have mammary glands on your chest, but some of us have them in our sinuses as well,” she claims.
Yesterday, as a smiling man approached her on the street, Jessica instinctively gushed breast milk onto his face. Unfortunately, he was only seeking donations for a children’s cancer research hospital. Though Jessica suspects he was using the cause as an excuse to approach women.
“The breast milk doesn’t lie,” Jessica explained.
Sometimes Jessica has forgotten that she’s wearing sunglasses, so the milk splashes against her lenses and trickles down her face. However, this still has the desired effect of freaking out men, who are utterly confused and horrified as to why Jessica is crying milk.
Jessica worries about additional complications during the freezing winter month as the streams may become deadly icicles, but she’s also hopeful.
“Maybe that will kill the male gaze once and for all.”
