A seemingly innocent movie choice ended in disaster today when you turned on 1959’s Some Like It Hot at your grandmother’s house and discovered that the black-and-white classic is hornier than you could have possibly imagined.
“It’s never easy to find something to watch with Oma,” you said. “I love daring stories that aren’t afraid to talk about sex openly, but the last thing I want is to watch an explicit sex scene three feet away from the 82-year-old Catholic librarian who raised my mom.”
Sources indicate you chose Some Like It Hot in the mistaken belief that any film made before color photography would be an appropriate co-viewing experience, saying:
“Black and white movies are all chaste romance, lovable dogs, and men with mustaches falling down,” you said. “I mean censorship guidelines meant you couldn’t show a kiss longer than three seconds. That’s just the sort of thing I have in mind.”
It is now apparent, however, that such legal strictures did nothing to curtail the rampant libido of mid-century filmmakers.
The first sign of trouble came when Jack Lemmon described co-star Marilyn Monroe as walking “just like Jell-O on springs.” This description struck you as odd, if accurate. The situation only deteriorated from there, as every member of the cast expressed their overpowering desire for sex through wordplay and euphemistic references to pastry, musical instruments, and fish.
“I still don’t understand,” you said. “Everyone was fully clothed the entire time. In fact, most of the men were wearing tuxedoes! So why is my pulse still pounding? The whole movie was about sex, but no one ever mentioned it!”
Events reached a crisis point during a five-minute scene of Tony Curtis and Monroe gently kissing on a couch. Without so much as an undone button or loosened zipper, the scene was more salacious than hardcore pornography.
“I ran,” you said, “There was no way I could handle having… that sensation in front of Oma. I went to the bathroom and ran cold water over my wrists and neck. I don’t want anyone to think I’m a prude, but goddamn! I never understood why old folks are so obsessed with Marilyn Monroe. I do now.”
After a prolonged silence, you repeated, “I do now.”
When asked to comment, your grandmother confirmed that they “don’t make ‘em like Tony Curtis anymore.”
