In a devastating story emerging from a local dive bar in Los Angeles, California, your current attempt to avoid eye contact with the man intently staring at you has been, unfortunately, misread as flirting.
“Immediately upon entering the bar, this lone dude would not stop staring at me,” you told reporters from the bar bathroom, where you had taken refuge, lest the man work up the confidence to approach. “Like, staring daggers. Not even a flirty stare. A scary stare. Unblinking.”
Eyewitnesses at the bar confirm the guy’s vibe was super off, and it was extremely clear to them that you averted your eyes in fear, not out of a lustful shame.
“I noticed him looking at me, so I looked down, then wanted to check if he was still looking, so I made a quick glance again,” you continued. “That was my fatal mistake. I think he thought I was doing some coy flirty thing where I avoid eye contact, implicitly encouraging him to pursue me. Is that a way people flirt? I’ve honestly never seen it done.”
Sources confirm you waited about 15 minutes to leave the bar bathroom in the hopes that either 1) the man would leave, or 2) he would assume you suffer from crazy diarrhea.
Less than 10 seconds after you returned however, he crept up behind you, tapped you on the shoulder, and tipped an imaginary fedora.
“M’lady,” he opened, which is crazy when you think about how much time he had to prepare. “I couldn’t help but notice you were dancing a flirtatious dance with me via your eyes. I am here before you to say, ‘I accept.’”
Before you had to respond, your friend conspicuously stepped between you and the man, hoping he would get the hint. Unfortunately, he misread this as her flirting with him as well.
“My, my!” he continued, choosing to slip into a British accent for some reason. “There is plenty of me to go around! We needn’t fight.”
Sources confirm you have never been dryer, pussy-wise.
You decided it would be best to be kind and direct, as he misread every single aspect of your body language. You politely told him you weren’t interested, after which he graciously called you a “whore bitch.”
As of press time, you and your friends had collectively decided to never look at anyone again ever.
