Astrology Apps That Still Won’t Justify Boning Your Ex

Astrology, the ancient language of celestial objects, can help you embrace your unique personality, accept your flaws, and validate your wildest choices—except for bonking Brayden again. Sure, these apps will make you feel okay for not having everything figured out, but not even the vaguest chart readings will justify talking to the guy labeled “DON’T” in your contacts, with your mouth or your body. Download these to read your horoscope, chat with an astrologer, and not use a lunar eclipse to hook up with your ex.



Co-Star can show you a planet-by-planet breakdown of your compatibility with someone else, like how your and Brayden’s charts must line up so eerily well for you to psychically know he’d respond to the red peekaboo bra in your Insta Story. Except, whoops, your Sun, Moon, Venus, and Mars signs clash worse than you did in your last four-hour text fight, so guess you shouldn’t give this another go!



This app displays every minor transit happening in your chart and how it could astrologically push you to give Brayden another chance—because if the stars command it, it’s really out of your hands! Though, wait, none of these say “A romantic flame from the past reemerges” or “Follow your heart” or even a broadly-applicable “Go for it” that loosely gives you permission to respond to Brayden’s DM. Aw, too bad!


The Pattern

The Pattern outlines your astrological timing and proves that, actually, Brayden messaging you right now was meant to happen as part of a “New Chapter” phase in your life. Hmm, actually, as you read more, there are “emerging, familiar obstacles to your happiness that you should definitely resist,” lest you fall into “old, bad habits”. Really no way to spin that one!




For a fee, Sanctuary lets you text an astrologer in real-time so you can ask if Mercury Retrograde will push you to text Brayden even if you SWEAR you don’t want to?? They remind you that astrology can’t “force” you do anything and that you’re a free-willed adult who can make decisions based on the time Brayden said he’s “like 70ish% into you.” The second and third astrologers say the same. Trust the experts!


Daily Horoscope

You found it: an app that just tells you your horoscope—surely general enough to support the fact that you’re supposed to be meeting up with Brayden but now he’s not answering your texts. You knew he’d never change!! It’s ok: your horoscope says the universe is presenting you with challenges that are definitely out of your control and not based on a series of actions you deep down knew would be detrimental to your happiness, but that you’ll get through it.


So for deeper self-knowledge, check out these five astrology apps, absolutely none of which will give you an excuse to fuck your terrible ex, but might offer an explanation of why you’re going to do it anyway. Enjoy!