After a long workout spent watching Property Brothers on the gym TV, there’s nothing like the sense of release that comes from rubbing your sexual frustration out on the foam roller. But are you humping on it all wrong? We all know those big black cylinders are there for us to give a good hump to after a heavy workout, but we constantly see women rolling their legs, arms, and backs on them. Uh, hello, that’s not how you do it! Here are some tips to make sure that the muscle tension you release after a sweat session is 100% sexual tension:
Unkinking Your Quads: WRONG
While rolling out the muscles at the tops of your legs might feel good, it ain’t gonna get the job done, girl. Try lying facedown with the foam roller perpendicular to your crotch, then grind away while thinking about the one okay part from the Fifty Shades trailer (hint: the Beyoncé song).
Gearing Up the Glutes: WRONG
Unless you get off on the tiniest of butt stuff, this is not an advisable foam roller-humping position. Instead, mount that baby cowgirl-style and bounce your way to O-town! Bonus: This is also a great cooch exercise for use on the inflatable ball.
Titillating the Trapezius: WRONG
The trapezius, the large, triangular muscle at the back of your neck and shoulders, may hold a lot of tension, but you know what holds more? Your clitoris! Don’t roll the back of your neck; take the firmest roller at your gym and lie on it long-ways, face down. Close your eyes and pretend you’re dry-humping Benedict Cumberbatch.
Crushing the Calves: WRONG
Keep it between your knees and waist! Lie on your back and hold the roller on top of you, parallel to your body, and wrap your legs around it. Get yourself into a good rhythm, and soon you’ll really deserve that post-workout cigarette!
Lower Back Lounging: WRONG
Just about all experts agree that rolling the lower back can cause more harm than good, especially in terms of you “getting yours.” Stand the roller up against the wall and hook one leg around it. Gyrate up against it to the beat of “Stayin’ Alive.” That should get you going!
Remember: The only thing that you should be using that foam roller for is masturbation. Don’t let any phony-baloney Pilates instructor tell you any different. So put on your darkest Lululemon leggings and go to down on that bad boy!
