All Women Are Beautiful, Except For Me

As a woman, I believe that all women are gorgeous, sensuous beings who exude love and light and glow like a dewy sunrise. The nature of womanhood is radiant bliss draped with a glowing aura of pulsating grace. Every single woman is beautiful and perfect, no matter what. Every. Single. One.


Except for me.


Unlike all the gorgeous, intelligent women I am blessed to have in my life, I’m more of a dead-eyed cow with legs like tree trunks. Frankly I should just stay in my house all day, I’m so hideous. But the rest of you women: You are all gorgeous! Go you!


When women compare themselves to each other, or strive for some manufactured ideal of beauty and femininity, it hurts all of us. We buy into the notion that we need to do something to become beautiful, when really all we need to do is be the natural gorgeous goddesses that we are! Beauty comes from the inside!


Well I do, but that’s different. I have a moon face and a fat neck and I need to do all-over contouring or I look like a pile of marshmallows that exploded in the microwave. It’s that bad. Seriously, I’m disgusting. Don’t look at me.


Instead, look at yourselves, you stunning starbeams!



It doesn’t matter if you have long hair or short hair or brown eyes or green eyes—every single woman has a beauty all her own, and a relentless vibration of positivity that oozes forth from her pores, which can be big or small—it makes no difference whatsoever.


Unless you’re a complete idiot who decimated all the pores across the bridge of her nose because she tried to do five Biore strips in a row like an idiot. Those things literally rip your skin right off, and the pisser is that my blackheads are still there. Plus I have a nose like an angry potato in general, so trust me: It’s dark in this room for a reason. I’m not coming out for like, five weeks. I’d sue Biore but I’m too ugly to be in court.


Embrace your undeniable beauty, you lovely queens of all you survey! Yours is the light that shines like a beacon of love and makes this precious life worth living. You are perfect. All of you.


I’m not.


But you are!


But I’m not.


But we all are!