8 Ways to Distract Your Lover from the Pile of Snakes That Lives In Your Bedroom

Winter is here! There’s no better time to snuggle up and get a little naughty with your man. But what about that pile of snakes that has formed a nest in the corner of your bedroom? Here are some tips for forgetting those pesky reptiles while you enjoy something a little more hot-blooded.


1. Candles

Set the snake-erasing mood with the soft glow of candlelight. You and your lover will be brought closer by the intimate dance of flickering flames, which trick the eyes into making you feel even farther away from that nest of venomous vertebrates. If you’re feeling extra frisky, incorporate some of the melted wax into your slightly distracted lovemaking. Also, snakes are afraid of fire, so this will keep them in their corner.


2. Blindfolds

With your lover unable to see anything (including those snakes), his other senses will heighten. This kinky tip will leave him unable to control himself, and unable to see the angry serpents staring right at him. Make some sensual hissing sounds to add to the illusion that it’s just the two of you in the room, and not a menacing pile of snakes, too.


3. Bon Appétit

Introduce some sweet treats in your lovemaking for a night he won’t forget. Few things are as sensual as feeding strawberries to your partner while also feeding live mice to that pile of snakes that came with the apartment. Your lover, and not that pile of snakes, will be hungry for your flesh.


4. Role-playing

Your imagination is often your sexiest asset, so why not use it to its fullest potential? Your lover can become anyone: a landscaper whose sore muscles need a massage, a pool boy you invited in for some lemonade, an animal control officer sent by the county to check up on your illegal pile of snakes … let your imagination run wild!



5. Location, Location, Location

Few things get your heart pumping like getting intimate in public. The thrill of possibly getting caught is so sexy, he’ll barely remember how huge and increasingly intelligent the pile of snakes in your bedroom are. He’ll obviously still remember it, because it’s a very serious problem. But out in public, it’ll merely be a close second thought to the passion you’re both enjoying.


6. Put a Blanket Over the Snakes

Put a blanket over the pile of snakes that lives in your bedroom and just try not to think about it. Maybe tell him it’s a magic blanket if he notices movement.


7. Move to the Shower

The warm water, the close quarters, the lock that despite their effort the snakes have not been able to pick – the bathroom is a perfect place for lovemaking! Your shower is practically begging you to forget that in the very next room an organized and driven pile of snakes is awaiting your return. Get soapy, get sensual, and if one of you drops the soap, well that’s just more time to be away from the two piles of snakes in your bedroom. And the second pile that sprang up while you were busy getting frisky in the relative safety of your shower.


8. New Apartment

Sometimes love needs a breath of fresh air, and nothing is as fresh as a new home. Enjoy your snake-free habitat and take your man into the bedroom for some fun. You’ll know which one is the bedroom because it has a riled-up mound of spiders patiently awaiting you. You never should have crossed that witch!


A giant and ever-growing pile of snakes can put a real damper on romance, but it doesn’t have to be the death of passion. Snuggle up, get close, and remember that they can’t reach you up on that bed, unless they can climb. Most snakes can, by the way. Some can even glide 100 feet through the air. Try not to think about that.