Famously hardy, succulents are said to be the most low maintenance houseplants around! These small desert plants require so little care, even the most amateur gardeners will have a hard time killing them. But as the brown thumb you are, it’s important you kill them quick, so you can get that weight of their inevitable demise off your back. Here are some super simple succulent killing hacks!
1. Overwatering
Normally you just underwater your plants until they meet a slow and painful death, but a succulent will hold on much longer than you could imagine. Overwatering is a succulent no-no, so take your succulent with you into the shower and really douse that thing dead.
2. Stepping On It
Stepping on it while trying to hang curtains will probably work if you step on it hard enough. Go on, give it a stomp!
3. Tornado
Put your succulent in a decorative mason jar, leave it outside, and wait for a tornado to hit your area. Death, guaranteed!
4. Kelsey
Go out of town for a few days and have that idiot Kelsey take care of it. Lord knows what kind of bright ideas she’ll come up with!
5. Public Execution
Leave it in the town square to be feasted upon by sparrows and mocked by townspeople.
6. Layoffs
Call your succulent into your office and ask it to have a seat. Tell your succulent, who has two kids and one on the way, that you’re very sorry, but you’ve been needing to make some cutbacks lately and you’re going to have to let it go. Your succulent will think back about the dreams he once had of backpacking in Vietnam, and of how much of his meager life he has squandered. With any luck, your succulent will drive its car off a bridge.
7. Set it Free
Take your succulent to an abandoned mall, where it will be reclaimed by nature, wrapped in kudzu vines and forgotten. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything.
If you were really cut out to own plants, you wouldn’t have a succulent in the first place. Happy killing!
