Have you always wanted a way to make your experience at a chain restaurant more exclusive? Try ordering from their secret menu! Of course, there’s a reason these items were not included on the regular menu. It’s because they cannot and will not make you these items. Ask for the following made-up items to majorly increase your cool factor before being told “no.”
1. KFC – Bucket of Hollowed-Out Chicken Legs
If you’re a vegetarian but you don’t want people to know, this is right for you. These breaded shells retain their shape to look like there’s chicken inside, but really they’re totally hollow on the inside. You can even fill the insides with mashed potatoes, because you’re a fast food maverick! Try bribing the cashier if they say they can’t make this for you, but your attempts will likely be futile because they cannot make this for you. You’re so cool for even asking!
2. McDonald’s – Fish Filet Mignon
This hidden dish combines a fish fillet with filet mignon, which makes it surf n’ turf—a foodie favorite! It’s comprised of the unground sirloin steak that goes into Mickey D’s’ third-pounder burgers and topped with a Filet-O-Fish patty. You can wink while you order it, but it won’t make a difference. Your cashier does not have access to McDonald’s’ central meatpacking facility. This order is as impossible as you are interesting!
3. Chipotle – “Greg’s Homemade” Guacamole
Yes! Your friend Greg’s guac that he always brings to parties is on the secret menu! Unfortunately, because Greg is an accountant and cannot be there to make his guac, they cannot meet your demand. Ask for it anyway! That’s fun! You’re a fun spy!
4. Panera Bread – Cheese Bowl Full of Bread
Is your go-to order a cheese-based soup in a bread bowl? Change it up with this hardened cheese bowl filled with bread dough. This secret menu item costs $3 extra according to all the food blogs, so be sure to slip that to the cashier. It doesn’t really matter, though, because the cooks neither have the ability nor the time to make this. Imagine if they did, though? That’d be so clutch!
5. Dairy Queen – Matriarchy Crunch Blizzard
All hail the Dairy Queen! This treat blends vanilla soft serve with specially molded chocolate crowns and scepters. Go on and tell Brittany, the high school sophomore employee, that you want this. She can’t make it for you because this item is not possible to make. And even if it were, she still would probably just make you an Oreo Blizzard and hope you didn’t have the self-esteem to come back when you discovered your order was wrong. Still, it’s fun to feel like you have secrets!
6. Subway – Hands-Free Footlong
You’re right. That sandwich would taste better if it were assembled without the use of hands. They can use their elbows, feet, faces, and teeth, but no hands. Ultimately, your stirring speech about “the art of subway artistry” won’t change anything. They can’t and won’t make your food like this. They will use their hands. But they’ll think, “Wow, that person must read food blogs!” Wow, indeed!
Sometimes it can be fun to overcomplicate an order at a restaurant where efficiency is more important than taste! But if someone tells you they aren’t able to make the food you requested, never fear. Just order from the real menu like everyone else, content in the knowledge that you’re secretly interesting.
