Valentine’s Day might be a few weeks away, but that’s barely enough time to make elaborate, romantic plans that your sweetie won’t even come close to matching. Remember that for every over-the-top gesture you make for love’s special day, you’ll earn tons of relationship points that he will never, ever reciprocate! Here are some smooth ideas that won’t do anything at all:
Sexy Lingerie
And no, we don’t just mean trotting yourself over to Victoria’s Secret to get kitted out on February 13th. For this plan to work, you should have started dieting and exercising at least eight months ago, with extra recuperation time built in if you’ve scheduled a breast augmentation. Just remember, this saucy gift will leave him too distracted by his erection to do anything particularly romantic in return.
A Home-Cooked Meal
Not just any home-cooked meal, though. Hopefully you’ve started saving for the Le Creuset pans, private cooking lessons, and imported food items you will need to order from catalogues. Surprise him by claiming you haven’t planned anything fancy, then unveil this exquisite feast on rented silver and china on a scenic overlook inside a climate-controlled glamping tent. You should also be naked. He only got you a Hallmark SpongeBob valentine he found on the sidewalk outside of an elementary school, but that’s sweet in its own way!
Knit a Cozy Scarf and Hat
This gift is admittedly a bit of a ruse. Yes, you will carefully and lovingly knit a gorgeous scarf and matching cap in his favorite colors from locally sourced wools dyed with vegetable-based products, but after he unwraps his gift, reveal that you have knitted identical scarves and hats for hundreds of homeless children in third-world countries, in the knowledge that the warmth that they feel from these items can only begin to match the warmth of your love. He won’t be able to get mad that you’ve gone over-the-top—it’s for a good cause, after all. Of course, for bringing the world the warm, glowing warmth of your love, he probably could’ve done a little better than a partially-used $10 Starbucks card “because you like coffee.”
Hand-make a Card
Book a group class with your besties in your local letterpress facility. Incorporate thoughtful elements, like the font of the Amtrak magazine he was reading when you met on the Acela, the flowers outside of the clinic he took you to the time you got a UTI on vacation, and an ink color that alludes to the slight variances in hue between your blood types. Include a few thoughtful inscriptions from his high school yearbook, and use a paper sourced from trees felled in the forest where his ancestors first lived. Tuck the card inside the cozy lambskin and cashmere Hermès gloves that you thought he’d just love. Delight in the gift of his reaction to your thoughtfulness, because he “forgot your gift at home” and will scramble at the drug store tomorrow just to buy you the face lotion you sort of like.
Hide Love Notes.
Even though it’s a small and simple gesture, a brief but lovingly written note can change his whole day. Hide them in his car, his office, his gym locker, and in his broseph’s man cave. Let your missives range from simple and sweet (“Your smile is like sunshine!”) to cryptic and curt (“I know.”). Just remember that it will never compare to the single rose he bought at a gas station.
Armed with these tips, we know that you’ll have a fab Valentine’s Day that you’ll be telling your therapist about all next week! So buckle down, start making your plans, and hope he doesn’t dump you before MLK Day!
