Summer is just around the corner, so it’s time to get that beach bod! You know, for the beach! We’ve got some tips and tricks that will fill your oral fixation with something a little healthier than food. Substitute these flavored condoms for your favorite guilty pleasures, so you can get off the carbs without giving up your midnight snack!
1. Cheesecake-Flavored Condoms
We know that you have a weak spot for cheesecake. After all, it combines the two most delicious things in the world—cheese and cake! But if you want to stay looking tight for the summer, you do not want to eat these things IRL. To get your fix, slap a cheesecake-flavored condom on your man’s erect penis. You’ll a nice warm cheesecake popsicle for yourself, and a partially satisfied guy. Decadent!
2. Bagel-Flavored Condoms
Any real New York gal needs her bagel on the weekend. Unfortunately, bagels are packed with carbs and calories, and not great for a diet. Instead of binging on the bread, throw a bagel-flavored condom on your boyfriend’s penis. For a low carb indulgence, spread some lox and cream cheese on that thang, and you’ve got yourself a paleo dong. If he complains that he “can’t feel anything,” remind him that breakfast is the most important meal of the day!
3. Lasagna-Flavored Condoms
There’s no shame in adding a little meat to your meat. When you can’t spare the cals on this delicious noodle dish, have some al dente dick instead. The fusion of meat, noodles, and tomato sauce flavors in this condom will drive you wild, even if it leaves him sexually halfway-there.
4. Burrito-Flavored Condoms
Mexican food may seem like a healthy choice, but a big burrito can really kill your diet. Instead of sucking down up to 1,000 calories, simply buy one of Chipotle’s new Carnitas Condoms and stick it on your hungry man! While the burrito condom is higher in carbs than other condoms, it’s nowhere near as bad as the real thing. ¡Ay, Caramba!
5. Pretzel-Flavored Condoms
Whether you like your pretzels hard or soft, this one is guaranteed to be mostly hard! Pretzel-flavored condoms are the perfect way to get a nice salty hit of the Pennsylvania treat without all the waistline-expanding carbohydrates. What’s more, it’s salted for your pleasure, in case you want to hop on top for a ride after your little snack. Mmmm!
6. Dick-Flavored Condoms
Because sometimes you just want a classic! Why would you want to use this instead of just not using a condom? Condoms protect you against all sorts of diseases, especially mouth ones. Remember, your weight isn’t nearly as important as your sexual health.
Remember: Food has carbs and condoms don’t! Enjoy!