Large Condoms Rebranded to ‘Shut Up About Your Dick Please’

After years of complaints from customers around the globe, the condom industry unanimously decided to rename all large or “magnum” sized condoms to “Shut Up About Your Dick Please.”


Partners and lovers of men with “big dick energy” rejoice in finally having an additional source of support to tell those guys to please stop bragging about their johnson.


The condoms themselves will remain the same. However, the packaging now includes a long warning about how describing one’s size “will make him seem like an asshole,” “will inhibit ability to get laid,” and also “seriously, dude, stop talking about your dick.”



“I was getting so sick of my boyfriend talking about the size of his penis all the time,” says Irene Caceres. “I’m just so thankful that these condoms will tell him to shut the fuck up so I don’t have to.”


“My husband is an idiot,” says Martina Jacobs, another condom user. “Anything to remind him to stop talking in general is a blessing from the heavens above, in my opinion. Thank you, condoms!”


The condom industry has hinted that there may be a rebranding of the smallest size condoms to “Honestly, It’s Not A Big Deal As Long As You’re Good At Hand and Mouth Stuff” to be introduced this fall.