During a recent date night at a new Italian restaurant, 28-year-old Matt Clopper told his girlfriend, “This food tastes like ass” despite him never having eaten or attempted to eat ass.
“I thought I’d like this place because Luke from work said it was cool,” said Matt. “But this food seriously tastes like ass. Like actual butt. We’re not coming back here.”
Matt, who’s been sexually active since 2009, has refused to ever consider eating ass during the course of multiple, long-term relationships.
Matt’s girlfriend, Grace Bullsoy, was surprised to hear her boyfriend describe his food like that.
“I’m just not sure how he would know what ass tastes like,” said Grace. “He’s been very adamant that he does not eat ass. He says, ‘I never have and I never will.’ So his comparing food to ass was surprising, to say the least.”
However, Matt stood by his statement.
“When I say that certain food tastes like ass, what I mean is that the food is really bad and I hate the way it tastes,” Matt shared. “I’m saying the food tastes like what I imagine an ass would taste like, which is gross and disgusting. That’s why I’d never eat ass. Makes sense to me.”
“For me, sex is very clearly penis in vagina, in out, in out until I’m done,” Matt added. “I know there’s some other stuff you could do but I don’t really see the point when that feels good for me.”
Former sexual partners corroborated Matt’s description of his version of sex as “in out, in out.”
“Matt never wanted to try anything in bed that wasn’t about his penis,” said college girlfriend Carly Canbin. “I definitely tried to bring up other stuff on a few occasions, but he couldn’t wrap his head around doing something that wasn’t specifically about making his penis feel good. I’m glad we broke up.”
Matt still believes eating ass makes no sense, on account of it being “gross.”
“Nobody I’ve ever dated has been into that stuff,” Matt asserted, falsely. “Asses are for looking at, ranking, and pinching in bars, but not eating. If this was a thing I should be doing, my boys would have told me by now.”
Five of Matt’s friends confirmed that none of them have eaten ass.
“Exactly,” Matt added. “None of us eat ass, and we can’t all be wrong.”