Summertime brings simple joys: weekend getaways, festive parades, and precious months of pounding white wine on screened-in porches until you drown. Here are the five best white wines to let penetrate your skin and your soul this summer vacation.
2006 Villa Russiz Pino Grigio ($20)
This Italian staple is a quintessential summer wine. Ideal for entertaining, it’s also fine with dinner for one, so stick a straw in it or hold it over your gullet and just guzzle. Don’t worry about spilling. Let it christen you, washing away your sins and bringing a new life.
2010 Rothschild Blanc ($17)
This summertime delight pairs with any fish, even sushi! Rothschild Blanc is best enjoyed in a large bowl or trough. Lap it up. Put your whole face in—isn’t that refreshing? Like mother’s milk. Bask in it. Be quiet, sweet angel, your white wine is here.
2016 Black Box Chardonnay ($19)
An American boxed chardonnay that’s sure to please, this wine features a delectable concentration of nectarines and peaches with light mineral notes. Use her twist nozzle as a sprinkler, set up a few bags in your front yard, and run through the spigots on a scalding afternoon.
Mommy’s Time Out Moscato ($13)
Anyone can enjoy this summertime Moscato! It pairs well with bedazzled flip-flops, if you can find your shoes! Fill up your bathtub with this stuff and voilà, instant luxury. Imbibe from a novelty wine glass or put your chin down and just lap. Pretend you’re the Hoover dam!
Franzia, Crisp White ($13)
What kind of wine is ‘crisp white?’ Who the hell cares! Pair it with everything, don’t save it for anything special. Tastes cold. Some sips are like water; some sips go down like antifreeze. That’s part of its blessed fickle charm! Fill the koi pond to the brim, make a bowl with your hands, and drink from it. Baptize each other. Best served fucking bathed in.
Rejoice, for days of white wine are coming. Can you hear the corks popping? Hear the angels singing? Let the white flow, sweet summer child. Soon you will be free!
