The almighty queef has wreaked havoc on women in the bedroom for longer than we can say, “Fuuuuurp?” Turn that queef-shaming back around with these fun tips and tricks to make it look like that sound didn’t come from you at all!
1. Kill Him With Kindness
As soon as it happens, pull him in close and whisper, “Shh. It’s okay. It happens to everyone, not just girls.” Make him think that he, in fact, is the one who queefed. Your gentle words combined with a confident delivery will throw him off-guard and he will soon be the one apologizing and making excuses.
2. Face the Facts
Feign absolute horror and surprise when it happens – that way he’ll know that this is something that has NEVER happened to you, and it’s all his fault. Say something like, “Whoa. What was that? That has NEVER happened to me before and I’ve been with literally hundreds of guys.” The more you play up all the guys you’ve slept with, the more likely he is to really feel like there is something wrong with him.
3. Get Creatively Passive-aggressive
Have that friend with a degree in digital design create a pamphlet called, “Men Queef Too” with a sad-looking yet handsome man on the cover, and then strategically place it in a spot he will be sure to see it, like next to the toilet paper dispenser or tucked into the folds of his Sports Illustrated.
4. Humiliate Him
Simply ask aloud, “Who farted?” as if you are in a room full of people. Then scrunch up your nose and finish it off with an emphatic “ugh.” He’ll be so humiliated and confused that eventually he will start to believe that he was the perpetrator.
5. Use Fear Tactics
Ask him gently, “Maybe you should make a doctor’s appointment? I read something online last week about a super rare stomach disease and that was one of the main symptoms.” He’ll be running to the clinic in no time.
And if all else fails, just yell, “Safety!” and then fall immediately into a deep sleep.
