Your jack-o-lantern is a reflection of your apartment, the basis for which your entire neighborhood will judge your life. You don’t have it totally together socially, romantically or mentally, but financially, you’ve had a recent improvement in your usual delinquency! So this October, let that little orange face show everyone literally and metaphorically that your apartment is in the clear of those eviction notices…for now.
1. Classic Jack-o-Lantern Face
You would rather die than be basic, but face it, basic bitches tend to work 9-to-5s and pay their rent on time. Girls with imagination-less triangle faces on their perfectly round pumpkins that they picked in a field while wearing a simple white scarf and drinking a PSL wouldn’t forget to “pin” the new Coach purse, much less to pay their rent.
2. Hillary Clinton
There is no better example of a strong, independent woman that’s succeeded in the face of adversity this season than Hillary Clinton. Her epic email scandal didn’t stop her from winning the debate, just like your evening dog walking gig doesn’t stop you from sexting your trust fund ex asking to spot you $500. A Hillary carving tells your landlord that it’s the socioeconomic stresses placed on women, rather than your lack of strength and perseverance that forced you to slip that one month of the last five.
3. Vision Board It!
Only rich ladies who don’t spend every waking moment working or worrying about money make vision boards, so of course you do not have one. Flip that script and make a vision board on your pumpkin, and you might just see that rich lady cash flow come your way! While you may not have a budget or time, what you do have is tiny terrors, Elijah and Juno, whom you nanny every day that can be occupied by crafting your pumpkin with inspirations for you! Your Gourd Board may have a few too many minions on it, but you’ll be putting out some seriously responsible, rent-paying vibes!
4. A Witch, or Whatever Your Beautiful and Incredibly Put-Together Neighbor Alex Carved
Alex is the apex of put-togetherness, so even a crummy version of her design will work! The only problem is she won’t let you anywhere near her apartment because of a small mishap when you “forgot” to take in her mail and feed her cat when she went away for a month. You really needed that $40, and she didn’t give it to you. The only way to recoup your lost profits is with imitation—the highest form of flattery. Crudely copy her incredible witch design on your own much-shittier pumpkin, leave it on your stoop facing her yard, and hope she takes the compliment. You’re so close to making rent on time again! Get that $40, girl!
5. Something Creative & Edible
Remember when you had time for hobbies? Nope? Well try to channel your inner 15-year-old optimist and paint something on your pumpkin! Be sure to use edible paint and do not carve it!!! That way you’ll be able to eat that pumpkin throughout November, otherwise December’s rent will definitely be a little light.
6. Steal One During a Spontaneous First-Date Moment
Stop regretting telling that dude you’re going out with this week that you only go Dutch on first dates and instead look at it as an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone! You need a jack-o-lantern and a cheap date, so work your best manic pixie dream girl angle and tell him you’re taking him on a Halloween adventure! Hitchhike to the ‘burbs, frolic in a cemetery and then get down to business and steal the cutest jack-o-lantern you can find! Sure on the spectrum you’re more manic than dream girl, but he’ll never forget this night and you’ll have a jack-o-lantern that represents the ability to pay rent that you so desperately strive for.
Just because you’re going through a bit of a rough spot in your life doesn’t mean you shouldn’t celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how much they’re considered normal tasks by most people. Remember ladies, carve for the pumpkin you want, not the pumpkin you have!