5 Housewarming Gifts for His Parents That Say, ‘We’re Just Boning, Don’t Get Your Hopes Up’

Best Presents For Parents

You and Tyler have been taking lengthy trips to Poundtown for the past few months—but he’s decided to mix it up by inviting you to his parents’ house for a “super-casual” dinner! Since you’re “taking things one day at a time” you’re totally willing to get a free meal out of this, but you don’t want to bring a gift that will send the wrong message! Here are some gift ideas that say, “I’m here mostly so your son will put his hot rod in my porking lot and nothing more than that!”


Artisanal Soap

This generic gift is the perfect way to say, “I’m a clean and wholesome young lady, but when you’re not around, I’m doing filthy things to your son and I don’t respond to his texts.” Artisanal soaps don’t look perfect—in fact, some of them are shaped weird and look ugly. But they smell amazing, which is why this imperfect gift is the exact right way to please parents without making them think you’re in it for the long haul.


A Second-From-The-Bottom-Shelf Bottle of Wine

This not-cheapest-but-not-expensive bottle of wine is the perfect gift for your slampiece’s parents to say, “He’s got a good dick but he gets kind of annoying after awhile so we’ll see.” Make sure to take a break from digging your nails into their baby boy’s back to scratch the price tag from the bottle.



A Bundt Cake from Safeway

A baked good is a thoughtful, personal gift to give, but baking a cake takes a lot of effort and commitment, and you just aren’t interested in that right now. A store-bought cake is the perfect way to say, “Your young lordling puts it in my hole every night but we’re not exclusive.” Try not to pick a cake with too much frosting—you need to keep it light so Tyler can rail you in his childhood bedroom later.


A Scented Candle

This gift gives your boy toy’s parents something to enjoy while you enjoy a trip down memory lane, as you remember your first candlelit bonefest with Tyler. Probably stick to something on the boring side, like a mellow vanilla scent—it will pair nicely with the six gelato flavors they bought after calling him during morning sex the other day to find out your dessert of preference. Thanks, Tyler’s parents!


Bath Salts

If you want to invest in subliminal messaging, spring for a satchel of calming bath salts to say to your never-in-laws that, “If we’re being honest, your kid makes me wet and nothing more.” They’ll love the chance to soak in the tub and have a relaxing night, while you and your man meat practically eat each other alive on the car ride home.


When presenting these strangers with their housewarming gift, be sure to emphasize that whichever item you choose is “just something very small—not a big deal.” Now enjoy your stress-free dinner! You may never see these people again.